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challenge your irrational ideas. You may be able to change
external events in the future and you certainly can change your
thinking. Thinking like a determinist helps (see next method).
Remember no one can make you feel anyway; you are
responsible for your own feelings.
6.
There is a great difference between dreadful ruminations about
what awful things might happen and thinking how to prevent,
minimize, or cope with real potential problems. The former is
useless, depressing, exhausting, and may even be self-fulfilling.
The latter is wise and reassuring. Keep in mind that many of
our fears never come true. Desirable outcomes are due to the
laws of behavior, not due to our useless "worry." Unwanted
outcomes are also lawful, and not because we didn't "worry."
7.
As with procrastination (see chapter 4), avoidance of
unpleasant tasks and denial of problems or responsibilities
frequently yields immediate relief but, later on, results in
serious problems. The life style that makes us most proud is
not having an easy life but facing and solving tough problems.
8.
People are dependent on others, e.g. for food, work, love, etc.,
but no one needs to be dependent on one specific person. In
fact, it is foolish to become so dependent that the loss of one
special person would leave you helpless and devastated (see
chapter 8).
9.
You can't change the past but you can learn from it and change
yourself (and maybe even the circumstances). You can teach
an old dog new tricks. Self-help is for everyone every moment.
10. It is nice to be concerned, sympathetic, and helpful. It is not
helpful and may be harmful to become overly distraught and
highly worried about other people's problems. They are
responsible, if they are able adults, for their feelings, for their
wrong-doing, and for finding their own solutions. Often there is
little you can do but be empathic (chapter 13). Avoid insisting
on rescuing people who haven't asked you for help.
11. This helpless, hopeless "I-can't-change" attitude is contradicted
by this entire book and most of the therapeutic and self-help
literature. There are many ways to change unwanted feelings
(see chapters 5, 6, 7, 8 & 12). On the other hand, there is
merit in "being able to flow with your feelings" in certain
circumstances. Being unable to feel or express certain emotions
is a serious handicap but correctable. Being dominated by one's
emotions--a slave to your emotions--is also a serious but
correctable problem. As long as our emotions are sometimes
destructive and irrational, it is crazy to unthinkingly "follow our
feelings." Only our thinking, reasoning brain can differentiate
between joyous, facilitating feelings and harmful, misguided
emotions.
12. Wrong! There is no one perfect solution but there may be
several good alternatives. Try one, see what happens (observe
the laws at work), and try again if your first idea doesn't work.
Perfectionism causes problems (chapter 6), including taking too
much time, becoming too complicated, causing undue anxiety,
and lowering our self-esteem.
