1377
Feelings
Possible Irrational Ideas
Anxiety, stress
Hurry up or be perfect messages; failure
expectations or too high expectations.
Sad,
pessimistic
Self-criticism; hopelessness; expecting to fail.
Anger, irritable
Fantasies about being mistreated; believing the
other person is evil and should be punished.
Disappointment
Expecting too much. Thinking things should be
different.
Don't expect it to always be easy to pin point the exact irrational
ideas involved. First of all, you may have repeated a wrong idea so
many times you believe it is totally right. Examples: "I am fat." "I
can't express myself." "Women can't fix cars." "I must do better than
my brother." "I'm not attractive." Butler (1981) says the question is
not "Is my self-talk true and realistic?" (because you frequently can't
answer that), but rather you should ask yourself, "Is my self-talk
helping or hurting me?" Example: It is not helpful to tell yourself, "She
dumped me for Joe because I'm inferior to him" but it could be helpful
to say, "Thinking I'm inferior may or may not be true, but, for certain,
it is hurting me. I need to think differently. Let's see. If I learned to be
more attentive to others, more fun-loving, and less self-critical, girls
would probably like me better."
Butler also contends that we start to question and discard our
irrational, negative ideas as we recognize more and more how these
ideas are harming us. So, she asks her clients to consider the damage
done in terms of (1) hurtful feelings, (2) troublesome behavior, (3) low
self-esteem, (4) strained relationships, and (5) high stress or poor
health. Obviously, repeatedly seeing the damage done by our own
thoughts helps us see the importance of changing our thinking.
While Butler seems to disagree, I suspect we can frequently see
the errors in our thinking if we stop and ask ourselves, "What is the
evidence for this belief?" We can recognize some of our subtle
irrational ideas and then challenge them. We can hear our internal
predictions of failure ("you can't do that"), our demands that other
people be different ("they shouldn't neglect me"), and so on. We can
learn to say "That is a silly, harmful way to think, so stop it!" Then we
can think of more positive, constructive ways of thinking (see last and
next step). Butler suggests writing down what you say (or think) to
yourself before and while you are upset. Seeing the thoughts in writing
also helps you see the irrationality.
Cognitive therapists have developed several methods for
challenging irrational ideas that mess up our lives (Mc Mullin,
1986). Here are some:
