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Instead of insisting that things must or should be different, instead
of believing people and the world are awful, instead of demanding
perfection, instead of feeling helpless, instead of denying reality, there
are better attitudes (also healthy attitudes are discussed in chapter
14):
1.
Accept reality: Say to yourself, "It would have been better if
________ hadn't happened, but it's not awful, it was lawful."
Or, "That's the way it is. I'll make the best of it."
2.
Learn from past failures how to improve the future: "It didn't
happen even though I wanted it to. So, now I'll get down to
work and plan how to make things work out better next time.
Where's my psychology self-help book?"
3.
Accept responsibility for your feelings: "No one can make me
feel any way. But, I can change how I feel. Okay, I can't be
perfect, I'll just do my best and stop beating myself." "I"
statements remind us that we alone are responsible for our
feelings (see method #3 in chapter 13).
4.
Realize that worry is useless: "All this fretting isn't doing any
good. I'll make a plan--maybe desensitization and role playing-
-and see if that works." "I've worried about this matter long
enough; worry isn't doing any good. I'll work on some other
problem I can do something about." "I've been in pain long
enough; he/she isn't worth all this misery; I've got to get on
with life."
5.
Tell yourself that it is better to face facts than live a lie: "I'm
not going to handle this situation well unless I am realistic. I
need to see my faults. I need to consider long-range goals as
well as having fun today." Remember Laing's suggestion to
check out your hunches about what others are feeling and
thinking (see method #7 in chapter 13).
6.
Recognize the difference between a fact and an inference: The
difference is well illustrated by the saying "unloaded guns kill."
Unloaded is an inference when, in this case, the gun is, in fact,
loaded. You might say, "Just because Bill didn't call me today
doesn't mean he is mad." "No one seems to be noticing me but
that doesn't mean I'm unattractive today." "I got a 'D' on my
first English paper but that doesn't prove I'm hopeless as a
writer." When you draw conclusions (especially ones that upset
you), ask "What are the facts for and against this conclusion?"
7.
Challenge your illogical thinking: Question false conclusions --"I
can't judge character by color of skin or by how he/she is
dressed." "Just because I haven't overcome this jealousy yet
doesn't mean I can't ever." "There is keen competition and
probably several reasons why I didn't get admitted to graduate
school; it isn't just that they are biased against Jews from New
York... older females... young, inexperienced males like me...
or that I always do poorly on tests... or that Dr. Smith gave me
a lukewarm letter of reference..."
Question your overgeneralizations --"I felt he never showed
any interest in me, but he does ask about my classes and eats
lunch with me." "It seemed like she was always complaining
