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am handicapped and feel so worthless when I fail... because I
have special abilities... and so on.
3.
Oh sure, it is foolish to expect to be treated fairly in all ways by
everyone all the time, but they must be fair to me in this case
because I am considerate of others... because people have
always treated me fairly (or unfairly) in the past... because I
am at a disadvantage and can't take care of myself... because
I'm furious and they have absolutely no reason to do this to
me... and so on.
You can see how a clearly irrational idea sounds more believable
when embellished by these pseudo-psychological explanations.
However, such statements are still crazy, unreasonable expectations
or thoughts which can and do upset us. Ellis suggests that the
tendencies to have these crazy ideas are inborn, i.e. obsessing about
something we want badly evolves into absolute musts and demands.
How does this happen? We forget the probabilities and risks involved
in our irrational self-talk; we over-look our lack of ability and
determination; we deny that our strong feelings and needs help
convince us we are right (when we are wrong); we fail to see that our
strong emotions, like anger, fears and weakness, are frequently
reinforced (chapters 5, 6, 7 & 8); we sometimes think it is healthy or
appropriate to feel strongly and "never forget;" we aren't aware of our
defense mechanisms (chapter 5 and self-deception in methods #1 &
#2); we may acquire emotional responses without words, e.g. via
conditioning and modeling (chapter 5); we prefer to change the
situation rather than our thinking (get a divorce rather than deal with
our anger, flunk out of school rather than cope with our overwhelming
need for fun); we escape but don't solve our problems by drinking,
socializing, involvement with activities and cults, dieting, taking
medication, etc.; we convince ourselves we can't really change (and,
therefore, don't try very hard). Thus, irrational thinking becomes
the easy way out: I can just insist that things should go my
way. And scream about injustice when things don't go my way. That
way, I don't have to take responsibility for controlling my life.
Finally, Transactional Analysis and Cognitive therapy have
described a number of other self-messages that are illogical and
unhealthy (Butler, 1981):
1.
Driver messages: Be perfect, hurry up, try hard, please
others, be strong, and so on, reflecting unrealistic demands
that interfere with our natural preferences and inclinations (see
chapter 9).
2.
Stopper messages: (ideas that "stop us in our tracks" or
"shoot us down" and keep us from trying)
o
Catastrophizing -- "If I said something stupid, it would
be terrible." "If he/she rejected me, it would be awful."
(See Ellis's irrational ideas above).
o
Self-put-downs -- "I'm so dumb... boring... ugly...
weak... selfish... demanding... bossy... irresponsible..."
(see chapter 6).
