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Like replacing bad habits with good ones, your irrational thoughts
must be replaced with more rational ones. For each of the 12 obvious
irrational ideas listed in step 1, here is a more reasonable way to look
at the situation: (Note: You may have to refer back to the original
irrational idea to understand these rational ideas.)
1.
It is not possible for everyone to love and approve of us;
indeed, we can not be assured that any one particular person
will continue to like us. What one person likes another hates.
When we try too hard to please everyone, we lose our identity;
we are not self-directed, secure or interesting. It is better to
cultivate our own values, social skills, and compatible
friendships, rather than worry about pleasing everyone.
2.
No one can be perfect. We all have weaknesses and faults.
Perfectionism creates anxiety and guarantees failure (chapter
6). Perfectionistic needs may motivate us but they may take
away the joy of living and alienate people if we demand they be
perfect too. We (and others) can only expect us to do what we
can (as of this time) and learn in the process.
3.
No matter how evil the act, there are reasons for it. If we put
ourselves in the other person's situation and mental condition,
we would see it from his/her point of view and understand.
Even if the person were emotionally disturbed, it would be
"understandable" (i.e. "lawful" from a deterministic point of
view). Being tolerant of past behavior does not mean we will
refuse to help the person change who has done wrong.
Likewise, our own mean behavior should be understood by
ourselves and others. When people feel mistreated, they can
discuss the wrong done to them and decide how to make it
right. That would be better than blaming each other and
becoming madder and madder so both become losers.
When is anger justified? Some say never. Some say only
when all four of these things are true: You didn't get what you
wanted, you were owed it, it was terrible you didn't get it, and
someone else was clearly at fault. If any of the four can't be
proven, confront your unreasonable anger. If you are sure they
are all true, then be assertive (not aggressive) with the person
at fault (Ellis, 1985b).
4.
The universe was not created for our pleasure. Children are
commonly told, "You can't have everything you want." Many
adults continue to have that "I want it all my way" attitude. The
idea is silly, no matter who has it. There is nothing wrong,
however, with saying, "I don't like the way that situation
worked out. I'm going to do something to change it." If
changes aren't possible, accept it and forget it. An ancient idea
is to accept whatever is. A recent book urges to want what we
have, to be grateful for it, and not to desire more and more
(Miller, 1995).
5.
As Epictetus said, it is not external events but our views, our
self-talk, our beliefs about those events that upset us. So,
