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Try to think of several interpretations of an upsetting event.
Suppose someone comments that you are getting flabby around the
middle. You are hurt, ashamed, and, at first, conclude that you are
unattractive, maybe even gross looking. But you look for other ways of
viewing the situation: (1) Maybe other people don't see me that way,
(2) he has a weight problem himself and is projecting, (3) he is angry
because he thought I had been flirting with his girlfriend, (4) a little fat
doesn't matter very much to me, and (5) that comment may help me
start a diet tomorrow. Some of these interpretations will serve you
better than the first one. With practice we can see there are several
ways of interpreting most situations, not just one.
Similarly, one can often find less personally threatening
explanations of a bad event. Example: a rejected lover can believe
"She/he was afraid of sex" or "He/she wouldn't like anyone for long"
just as easily as "I wasn't good looking enough" or "I'm boring." More
objective, "clinical" explanations may be easier to take. "I don't have
friends because I don't try" hurts less than "because I'm not a likable
person."
Suppose a friend one day seems cold and irritated. You think
he/she is mad at you, probably because you had done something with
another friend the night before or because you hadn't called him/her
for a couple of days or maybe because she had heard some gossip
about you. All of these thoughts are rather useless speculation. The
facts are that you often do things with other friends and it is common
for the two of you to not call for a couple of days. What gossip could
he/she have heard, you haven't done anything unusual. Maybe he/she
was just in a hurry; maybe he/she was mad at someone else. It could
be a million things. Don't get carried away by your speculation. Ask
him/her if you misread the situation or if you had done something to
upset hem/her.
Some people are catastrophizers, always making negative
interpretations, making mole hills into mountains, minor setbacks into
crushing defeat, tiny slights into total war, and so on. If you are one,
try thinking of the best and the worst possible outcome in a
situation you are concerned about. Guess which is most likely to
happen. Then observe what actually happens and see if, in the course
of time, you can become more accurate in estimating what the
outcome will be in many situations.
Try to understand the origin, dynamics, and validity of your
harmful thinking. Ask yourself questions like,
"Where did this harmful idea come from?"
"Is this belief true or false? What is the evidence?"
"When do you remember first having this harmful belief?" "How
did you feel?"
"Why did you feel (inadequate... cocky... unloved) as an
adolescent?"
