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how can you pick more receptive "dates" to approach, and so on, and
observing the outcome. In short, we accept what is happening and
what has happened as lawful, as the natural outcome of immutable
but complex laws, and not as terrible, awful events that we or
someone should have prevented. And, while we can't change the past,
we can learn to use these "laws of psychology" to help ourselves and
others in the future. What we can't change in the future, we can
accept.
To understand any strong, troublesome emotion, you need to see
clearly three parts of your experience:
1.
The actual upsetting physical-social situation and event, what
you and others did, and the outcomes. Example: boyfriend and
you argued about what to do this evening, watch football or
visit your family. He got his way.
2.
The thoughts, wishful images, and self-talk you had before,
during, and after the event, but especially just before feeling
bad. This includes what you had originally hoped would happen
and how you now wish it had worked out. Examples: he doesn't
even listen to my needs; I really wanted him to have a good
time with my family so we can go more often; he always has to
be in control; he is so hung up on sports, I hate them; he
should let me have my way half the time; I don't want to stay
home, but I can't visit my family alone; when he dismisses me,
I'd rather just read a book and fall asleep.
3.
Your emotional reactions about or to the event and the
outcomes. Examples: I feel frustrated when I try to
communicate to him; I'm hurt and furious because my needs
are dismissed; I resent his self-centeredness; I'm scared my
marriage is not going to last.
But, without some instruction, we don't recognize that some of our
thoughts (2) may be irrational or unreasonable. Therefore, my
description of this method begins with a careful explanation of
irrational thoughts, then more rational thinking is described. With
these concepts in mind, it will be easier in step 3 for you to select
either a troublesome emotion (3) or an upsetting situation (1), and
then go looking for your irrational ideas and unfulfilled expectations
that really produce your overly intense emotions.
Purposes
It is necessary to distinguish between reasonable and irrational
emotions. Obviously, fears of reckless driving, an irate person,
electrical wires, VD and AIDS, etc. are realistic and not irrational. It is
also appropriate to temporarily feel disappointment, sadness, or
regrets after a loss or a failure. One will temporarily feel irritation and
frustration after someone has cheated or lied about him/her, even
though one realizes that the person who did you wrong had his/her
reasons. You would have preferred that things had worked out
differently, but it is not reasonable to "cry and scream" that it
