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STEP FOUR: Explore the many conflicting parts and roles that
make up your self.
"Know thyself" surely means being aware of your personality--all
the complex parts: "parent," "adult," "child," "internal critic," "self-
monitor," and many other facets. Be sure to consider the possible
future selves discussed in method #1 and in chapter 4. How do you
recognize the parts? First become familiar with the parts and roles as
described in chapter 9 and other personality books. Then, notice your
behavior: the kind of words you use, how you feel, and your goals.
Notice your relationships with others: when are you dominant? when
submissive? when angry, scared, fun-loving, serious, mature,
emotional, etc.? Notice your attitudes: when do you feel OK, when not
OK? when are others OK, when not OK? when do you feel loved,
unloved, nurturing, selfish, confident, helpless, etc.? Notice your
expectations about your future: what are you hoping to do in the
future--what are your expected strengths? What are you afraid will
happen--what are your weaknesses?
Notice the conflicts between parts. Observe how you resolve the
conflicts. From chapters 9 and 15 try to figure out your life scripts,
games, and defenses. Consider the possibility that everything is true
of you (see chapter 15). Self-exploration takes a life-time.
STEP FIVE: Use skills learned in chapter 13--listening, empathy,
caring and self-disclosure--to increase your closeness with
others. Ask a variety of others for honest feedback.
We increase our understanding of ourselves by close and intimate
interaction with others, many others. We would have little faith in
feedback from others unless we felt they knew our true selves, which
means we must have disclosed our intimate feelings to them. People
who have not disclosed their real selves to others often don't know
their real selves. The more of our real selves we have shared with
others (and been accepted), the more likely we are to accept
ourselves. The better we understand others, the better we can
understand ourselves. And, the reverse, the better we understand
ourselves, the better we understand others. However, this doesn't
mean that close friends will always give us the most accurate
feedback.
To keep growing, we need continuing, honest feedback. Friends
and lovers like us and tend to agree with us, they support and
compliment us, overlooking our weaknesses. Some true friends will tell
us the truth, not what we want to hear, but many do not unless we
ask for frank answers. Other true friends can't tell us the truth
because they need and use the same defenses we do. There is a
saying, "Blessed are our enemies, for they tell us the truth."
Sometimes slightly outsiders, such as older people, relatives,
authorities, teachers, counselors or casual acquaintances, can be the
best sources of information about your true self if they think you
genuinely want honest feedback.
