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After you have identified the irrational ideas underlying several of
the emotions and situations described on your 3 X 5 cards, you will
probably find the same kind of thinking errors showing up in several
situations. Are you unduly self-condemning? Are you overly critical of
others or the world? Are you perfectionistic and pushing yourself too
hard? Are you bitching about the way things turn out (the laws of
nature)? Are you a specialist at exaggerating the awfulness? This is
valuable information about your way of thinking because it will guide
you to finding more rational (factual) and constructive (encouraging)
ways of thinking.
Write some supportive, rational self-talk on the right side of the 3
X 5 cards. Your arguments against your own irrational thoughts can be
a few words, e.g. "Ridiculous!" or "Where's the proof?," a sentence,
e.g. "People will be more impressed with how much fun I have playing
ping-pong than with how well I can slam," or a complex philosophy,
e.g. "My goal in life is to be a good psychologist, that is inconsistent
sometimes with having fun, being popular, agreeing with important
people, etc."
Refer to step 2 for rational ideas if you need to, but you must
understand and believe your own self-talk that counters hurtful ideas.
Your ideas and views need to be expressed in your own words; they
should encourage you to face the facts, accept yourself, and be gentle
with yourself and others. Method #1 will help you deal with self-critical
thoughts. If you give yourself a lot of upsetting "Be Perfect" or "Hurry
Up" or "Try Harder" or "Don't Be Emotional" messages, develop some
"Allower" messages: It's okay to make mistakes, to take my time, to
act on my feelings, to assert myself, to be average, etc. Give yourself
"unconditional positive regard" by replacing the impossible "shoulds"
and critical judgments with (a) recognition of your specific
accomplishments and (b) the development of a workable self-
improvement plan. Examples: if you get 95% on a test, don't fret
about the 5% you missed, praise yourself for the 95% you knew. If
you feel terrible about breaking your diet, work out a better plan that
is easier to follow and allows for mistakes.
It is not easy for an emotional self-agitator to become a self-
calmer. It takes work, hours and hours of work. If you can not think of
rational, self-supportive views for certain situations, talk with a friend
or a counselor. Accumulate a list of the arguments and ideas that
effectively reduce your negative emotions. Keep on improving the
challenges to your irrational ideas; it is a life-long task.
STEP FIVE: Imagine being in the upsetting situations. Talk
rationally to yourself, letting the rational ideas override the
irrational ideas and emotions. Continue until you feel better.
Start with a mildly disturbing situation or feeling. Say to yourself,
"I know where those feelings are coming from and these emotions are
too intense! I'm making too much out of this. It makes more sense to
look at it this way (fill in the rational ideas from the 3 X 5 card)." It
