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practice in advance arguments designed to counter fears, self-
putdowns, anger, impossible goals, and so on. Sometimes, it is
even helpful to get mad at the stupid idea that is causing you trouble.
Examples: There are so many beautiful and interesting people to
meet, it is really foolish to let my shyness lead to all this frustration
and loneliness. It is stupid to think that the only way to be happy is to
be very successful... beautiful... a real man... a perfect lover and
parent... because there is so much more to a full life (and, besides,
these demanding goals create many problems).
By recording in a journal how well each argument works in real
situations, you can find out which ideas or views help you most to
avoid upsetting thoughts. Use what works.
Instead of arguing against a pessimistic attitude, one can focus on
thinking rationally and replacing negative words with positive
words. For instance, we can think of ourselves as having learned to
be the way we are, instead of labeling ourselves as "sick," "weak,"
"crazy," or "mentally ill." It requires continuous conscious effort and
daily practice to make these changes. Other examples of re-labeling or
reframing a negative trait (see method #1 in chapter 14):
Negative words or
outlook
Positive words or outlook
Wishy-washy
Open minded, flexible
Loud mouth, egotistical
Expresses honest opinions
Sloppy, lazy
Casual, carefree, relaxed
Socially shy, scared to talk
I have an opportunity to meet people,
have fun, and exchange ideas
Treated unfairly
A chance to stand up for my rights
Made a mistake
A chance to learn something. Remember,
Babe Ruth struck out a record 1330 times
while hitting 714 home runs.
Beyond the question of accuracy of your views, you can also
question the accuracy of your assumed implications of those
views. Examples: Suppose you asked someone out and he/she turned
you down. There are several possible reasons for being rejected that
do not have negative implications for you, e.g. he/she is interested in
someone else at the moment. But let's just suppose for a moment that
he/she did actually think you were a creep. You should still ask
yourself, "So what?" Does he/she know much about you? No, so why
give any weight to his/her superficial impression? Does that
impression make you a creep? Of course not. Does that impression
imply that no one will ever want to go out with you? No. Suppose you
are not able to make "A's" and "B's" in chemistry and physiology. Ask
yourself, "So what?" Does that mean you won't become an MD?
Maybe. Does it mean that your life will be meaningless? No. In short,
ask yourself, "Is this situation really so awful?" Look 10 years ahead.
