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parents, mean siblings, and/or rejecting peers in your past, which
contributed to your low self-esteem, but you may be able to reject
those old judgments by others and learn to judge yourself more
favorably. You may have had other childhood traumas--deformity,
poverty, illness, a learning disorder, etc.--which contributed to your
self-doubts and low self-esteem. You can't change these facts of life.
But you can change how you view or feel about these facts (see
method #3 below). And, you can still overcome these handicaps and
learn to evaluate yourself fairly and constructively.
Lastly, there may be, of course, some of your characteristics that
can't be changed: height, body build, facial and physical features, lack
of abilities or talents, some diseases, and perhaps mental illness. You
can "forget about" the things that can't be changed or you can look at
them differently, such as accept them or make up for them. Quite
often, you may realize your negative trait can be changed but it just
isn't worth the effort. That may be a reasonable decision; if so, put the
matter behind you.
There are several viewpoints (or philosophies) that should help us
accept ourselves and others (even the changeable characteristics):
determinism (method #4 in this chapter), humanism (unconditional
positive regard for everyone since every human is unique and
precious), positive mental attitude (see method #9), or logical
reasoning. As an example of the latter, Barksdale (n.d.) reasons that
all our behavior is a result of our motivations and awareness at the
moment. Since our awareness (view of the total situation) could not
have been different, it would be illogical to expect us to have acted
differently. Repeating one of these philosophies over and over to
yourself, especially when you are starting to harshly chastise yourself,
should be helpful.
STEP FIVE: What are the ways to build self-esteem? Have the
courage to change the things you can: List the ways you could
improve. Become a good self-helper. And develop self-
accepting attitudes.
Deci and Ryan (1994) speak of contingent self-esteem as
distinguished from true self-esteem. Contingent self-esteem is like
conditional love; your self-acceptance or self-love is based on living up
to your and other's expectations--passing all the tests of life. So, you
feel good only when things are going well. This tenuous, conditional
self-esteem is not a secure foundation (and is associated with an
external orientation, such as seeking money, fame, and
attractiveness). On the other hand, true self-esteem, according to Deci
and Ryan, involves a more secure, solid sense of self and self-
acceptance, regardless of what happens in the outside world (and is
associated with intrinsic motivations, such as seeking relationships,
self-improvement, and serving others). Of course, contingent self-
esteem might even be gained by being proficient at something you
don't value (like pretending to like someone or being a thief) but true
self-esteem comes only when your actions are highly valued and freely
