1353
Other ideas for building self-esteem are: develop a support
system, develop a set of values and live them (chapter 3), develop
positive attitudes (method # 9), and learn to feel special and unique.
It seems that we learn to think of and treat ourselves as we have been
treated by others. Therefore, if you lack self-esteem, it is very
important to avoid negative, critical friends, relatives, co-workers, and
others as much as possible.
You can gain an understanding of the development of your self-
concept by remembering the nicknames you had as a child and young
person, remembering how your parents introduced or talked about you
to others, and remembering how others responded to you when you
did something bad or destructive and when you were good and helpful.
Try to see the connections between childhood experiences and your
current self concept. Other memory and fantasy experiences may give
you more insight (see autobiography in chapter 15). At different
stages of your early life, remember what you needed from others,
such as your parents, which you didn't get. Then, see if you can
understand how those wants (and the neglect of those needs) caused
you to feel certain ways about yourself. Also, hold a conversation
between your confident self and your insecure self; see how they feel
about and explain each other. Draw your "life line," showing the highs
and lows of your life, and see how your self-esteem varied with the
peaks and valleys. Figure out how to have more peaks.
Time involved
Your self-concept reflects years of experience and self-evaluation.
There are no magical ways to quickly change your opinions of yourself.
It will take a few days to get to know and record the internal critic.
Challenging or shutting up the critic and achieving the purposes of the
critic in healthy ways may take weeks. Honest self-assessment
followed by self-improvement where possible means big time
investments--daily work for months.
Common problems
Although the internal critic makes us miserable, we believe what it
says about us. If we feel inadequate, inferior, and unable to change,
where does one get the motivation to spend hours trying to improve?
To some it seems hopeless, just like being depressed. Sometimes, no
doubt, the self-depreciating person will need outside help from a
therapist and/or a support group.
In our culture, many of us have high hopes that are impossible
ambitions. Thousands want to be president or an astronaut. Perhaps
millions want to be a sports star or musician. Most will have "faults"
(and/or bad luck) and fail to achieve their highest goals. Our task,
therefore, is to strive for our major goals despite the stress, and, at
the same time, learn to accept the inevitable failures and frustrations
as they occur. We want to compete and be "above average," but half
of us must, by definition, be below average on any given trait or skill.
