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to relate to people, and how to plan and organize a
group effectively."
fat
"I weigh 135 when 120 would be ideal but I have lost
weight before and I can again."
selfish
"I think about my parents only a couple times a week
but I am very thoughtful of my wife and I spend a lot
of time with my best friend."
In fact, be reluctant to use any negative words that categorize or
measure or judge you (or others) as a person. You may judge your
behavior, but as a person you are perfect--you are exactly you! Also,
avoid concluding prematurely that you can't do something or have a
handicap or probably will have difficulties doing something, and so on.
At this point, we have just cleaned up your negative statements for
use in the next two steps. The positive, complimentary statements will
be used in step 6.
STEP FOUR: Have the serenity to accept the things that can't be
changed: Understand and accept your permanent weaknesses;
accept the past.
First, be sure you have the fault being considered. Would others
agree that you have the negative trait? Are you sure you aren't
exaggerating it? For instance, do you reject compliments in your weak
spots? (See method #2 to test the accuracy of your self-concept.) Are
you sure you aren't miscalculating the consequences of the weakness?
For example, suppose you know you have a bad complexion. Are you
sure it is as unattractive as you think it is? Is it correctable
(medicine, surgery or cosmetics)? Suppose you are of average
intelligence. Can you compensate in school by working very hard?
Can you become such a caring, giving friend that your intelligence
doesn't matter?
Secondly, be sure it can't be changed. Remember any learned
trait can theoretically be unlearned, even though "you can't change
the past." Was your negative trait modeled and/or reinforced by a
parent? Was it developed as a way of coping in the family? Did the
peer group encourage this trait? Are irrational ideas (method #3) part
of the problem? Is something like your "critical parent" (chapters 6 &
9) involved? All of these kinds of "faults" are correctable. Some people
do lose weight after years of over-eating; "hot heads" do learn to
control their tempers. It's possible. Other examples: if you have never
learned to speak in public or always felt inferior to a highly educated
person or always been a pessimist, you can change. Don't accept
these kinds of negative traits (unless they don't concern you very
much).
Thirdly, be sure you don't confuse an unchangeable cause
with an unchangeable trait. You may be stuck forever with critical
