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"You are cutting me down and making me look like a weak
nerd. That's probably a good way to avoid criticism but it also
keeps other people from giving me honest, helpful
confrontation about my problems. So, stop it."
"You say, 'I can't do anything right' or 'God, I'm stupid,' but
that may be just another way of bragging and saying, 'Look at
how upset I am with this little setback, I must really be super.'"
"You say, 'If I had studied, I would have done OK,' but that is
just an excuse for not testing out my intellectual ability and
finding out just how smart I really am. Let's see how well I can
do when I really try."
"You are harping at me so I'll get something done. Well, I will
feel lots better by doing my work and avoiding stinging insults
from you. So, shut up!"
"You think I'd like myself if I were perfect. That is silly. It's
unreal. Lay off! I'll do it well enough...and still enjoy myself."
"You are telling me 'I can't do it' or 'He/she won't like you' so I
won't try and get all upset. That's nice of you but I want to
carefully make my own decisions about what to do with my
life."
"You are suggesting 'She/he will dump me' so I'll be prepared
and not hurt so much. But this kind of thinking makes me
doubt myself all the time and hurts the relationship."
"You are calling me names so that I can put it behind me.
Maybe I had better think of some way to make up for being a
jerk, rather than trying to forget it."
Second, there are other ways of stopping the critic's hurtful
messages. You can use thought stopping (see chapter 11). As soon
as you recognize the critic's voice, yell (silently inside), "Shut up!" or
"Get out of here!" or "This is the crap my mother told me!" or "No
more put-downs!" Another way is to think of all the ways low self-
esteem hurts you in the long run, e.g. refusing to try things or to meet
people, feeling scared and inferior, being crabby and unable to express
affection, etc., etc. Then say to the critic, "Go away! Look at what you
cause me to do...." When you have shut up the critic, replace the
negative thoughts with positive ones: "I am a unique and worthwhile
person. I have many good traits...(see step 6). I'm in control and
doing well."
Third, use healthy self-help methods to achieve the same
useful purposes that the unhealthy internal critic is trying to serve.
Thus, you won't need the critic. Examples:
To decide what is right to do--see chapter 3 for rationally
choosing your values and learning to live by them.
To do what needs to be done--see chapters 4 and 11 for
controlling your behavior and finding healthy motives.
To see yourself objectively--see chapters 5, 9, 15 and methods
#2, #4, #8, and #9 in this chapter.
To handle guilt or frustration or self-depreciation--See chapters
3, 5, 6 and 12.
