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To reduce the fear of failure--see chapters 5, 12, decision-
making in chapter 13 and method # 3 in this chapter which
reminds us that making mistakes doesn't mean we are
worthless. We make decisions based on our views, needs,
knowledge and hopes at that moment. What we do is lawful--
what seems best at the time.
To cope with a fear of rejection--see chapters 5, 9, 10, 12 and
learn to handle criticism or to assess the true likelihood and
consequences of rejection. Remember good things sometimes
result from a failure.
To deal with anger--see chapters 7, 9, 12 and especially
assertiveness in chapter 13 because all of us have to ask for
the things we want (early in the game) and politely demand
that everyone be dealt with fairly.
The point is: to feel competent and moral, you must be those
ways. You can be good without a nasty, lying, brutalizing critic inside.
STEP THREE: Do an accurate self-assessment. List your positive
and negative traits.
The people who emphasize their bad points and failings need to
focus on their assets and positive traits. McKay and Fanning (1987)
recommend listing your strengths and weaknesses in several areas:
appearance, relationships, personality, morals, work (school), art,
sports, daily tasks, mental functioning, and sex. This will take quite a
while. Then mark or underline all the negative characteristics. The first
task is to re-write each negative statement. This is to be certain that
each criticism is stated accurately; for instance, take out all the
emotionally laden words (see examples below). Make the statements
factual, not judgmental.
In addition to self-put down words also eliminate over-generalizing
words, such as never, always, and completely; these are seldom
accurate. In fact, it is beneficial to look for instances or circumstances
in which you would not have the negative trait. Example: suppose a
person wrote "I never stand up for myself" but she might realize that
she does assert herself with her children and her friends, just not with
her husband, her boss or other authorities. Likewise, a person might
write, "I always say the wrong thing," but realize that this only
occasionally happens when he is caught off guard or when very
nervous. Clearly, accurate specific negative statements, citing your
strengths as well, are more honest and less devastating than the
global, nasty criticisms. Sometimes, even the solution becomes more
obvious and hopeful when the problem is stated more factually. Other
examples are:
Nasty words
Replace with explicit, factual, balanced
statements
stupid
"I don't follow current events; I don't remember
history but I know how to manage money well, how
