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Steps
STEP ONE: Recognize the internal critic and realize what pain
the critic helps you avoid.
The critic, as mentioned above, badgers you into doing what is
right or into doing what is necessary to achieve some goal. You may
even think you need a haranguing critic to make you be good!
However, every time you think the critic is helpful, the bitchy, nasty
critic is reinforced and becomes more likely to attack you again and
again until you dislike yourself. In short, although the critic seems to
do you some good (actually you could do without it), it does more
harm by undermining your self-esteem in the process (Mc Kay &
Fanning, 1987).
You have to search deeply for the critic; much of its harm is done
without your awareness. The critic blames you when things go wrong
(and you accept the blame). When things go well, you call it luck or
"someone felt sorry for me." Expressing self-criticism and self-blame
may relieve some tension, but in the end you are degraded. Likewise,
you may feel good about setting high perfectionistic standards, but in
the end you fail because you can't be perfect. The critic tells you how
inadequate you are, especially in comparison to "the best" (and you
buy that nonsense). If you attack yourself, maybe others won't attack,
but in the end you dislike yourself. The critic isn't honest, it
exaggerates your failures: "you always screw up," "you never say the
right thing," "you're totally weird," etc. (and you still don't challenge
the critic). It remembers all your mistakes and sins... it calls you
names, like stupid, gross, clod, bore, weakling, childish, etc. The critic
may be such a natural, ordinary part of your mental life, you may
hardly notice the criticism or the damage done.
A low self-concept may be responsible for defeatist "giving up" or
for obsessive workaholic behavior. A negative self-concept may result
in constant self-put-downs or in constantly trying to prove one's
superiority. The person with low self-esteem may be over-attentive,
giving and solicitous, believing that no one will like him/her unless
he/she is super nice, or he/she may be hostile and offensive, rejecting
the other person first.
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-John Milton
