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others increases your self-acceptance. Thirdly, as you feel better about
yourself, you can self-disclose even more of yourself, leading to closer,
more enjoyable relationships. Fourthly, with more feedback, greater
security and self-acceptance, you are able to look deeper into yourself
and solve more problems.
If, on the other hand, you don't like yourself, you won't share
much with others, and you can't get feedback that you are OK. Hiding
your real self from others can contribute to a downward spiral of
shame, more hiding of feelings from yourself, and a growing inability
to cope with your problems (Jourard, 1971).
To like me, to trust me, to be committed to our relationship, to facilitate my personal
growth and self-understanding, and to be my friend, you must know me.
-David Johnson, Reaching Out
Self-disclosure is, at times, both important and hard. Even
expressing a positive feeling or a compliment is difficult for some
people (see assertiveness training). Why is sharing our true selves so
hard? Some families just don't talk about personal feelings, so self-
disclosure is for some a scary new way of interacting. Some people
fear rejection or criticism, some fear intimacy, some are ashamed of
their thoughts and feelings, some don't want to think about their own
feelings or to change.
How can you help a reluctant person disclose? Jourard found that
the best way to encourage others to disclose to you was by disclosing
to them. For most people, it is great relief, almost an emotional
necessity, to share feelings and daily happenings with friends,
especially when feeling stressed. We need to talk. If we don't reveal
ourselves, we won't get close to others; we won't be valued or loved.
If the person we disclose to feels we especially respect and trust them,
he/she is complimented and probably likes us. So, we need to know
how to communicate effectively.
Self-disclosure (done appropriately) is a sign of mental health.
Research has shown that self-disclosers are more self-content, more
adaptive and competent, more perceptive, more extroverted, more
trusting and positive towards others than non-disclosing persons.
Appropriate disclosing leads to liking; liking leads to disclosing
(Johnson, 1981).
Self-disclosure of our true feelings increases our mental and
physical health. Overwhelming data from therapy, self-help groups,
and research labs suggests that sharing our emotions improves our
