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a prelude to solving a problem and making up, then the partner's
verbal barrage becomes easier to tolerate. One can develop a "thick
skin" and still remain interested in resolving the conflict. Don't
stonewall and pretend to not care.
Each couple develops their own style of fighting. It may range from
a very rational, controlled interaction (perhaps they vent their strong
feelings privately first, as in chapter 12) to an intense emotional
discharge (still following the rules). In some instances, the angry
partner simply needs a few minutes to voice a complaint and, thus,
may ask for a five minute "gripe session." When this is done (instead
of fair fighting), agree to a time limit (make it short), only the angry
partner can say anything, and neither should talk about the topic for
30 minutes after the gripe session.
STEP SIX: State what specific behavioral changes you would like
to see made.
Ask for practical, possible and fair changes, avoid making
outrageous demands. Don't just think about yourself. Don't express
disgust with aspects of the partner which he/she can not change, e.g.
body build, intelligence, basic personality, etc. Don't ask for changes in
feelings or attitude, e.g. "don't be so hostile" or "be more
considerate." This is too vague. Instead ask for specific behaviors, e.g.
"don't call me names" or "don't be late when we have made plans to
meet."
STEP SEVEN: Indicate the reasons and consequences for the
requested changes.
Give your arguments for the changes you proposed. Also indicate
how you will feel and what you will do if the changes are made and if
they are not made. Remember rewards work better than punishment.
STEP EIGHT: Negotiate a compromise; make sure the agreement
is understood.
The angry partner has done most of the talking up to now. The
other partner participates equally at this point; there should be no
advantage going to the angry one. The listening partner should not
discount the problem or criticize the angry person's feelings, e.g. "this
is bull, what are you really mad about?," "you are making a mountain
out of a mole hill" or "God, you're filled with hostility, aren't you?" If
the partner is resistive, your best response is an "I" statement.
Examples: "I feel very disappointed when you don't seem to take me
seriously." "I feel insulted when you pat me on the head and treat me
like a child." If the feelings are too intense for a rational discussion,
schedule the negotiating for later. Don't just drop the issue and fight
over it again a few weeks later.
The listening partner can, of course, propose his/her own changes
or conditions. Both partners should avoid demands, no "shoulds" or
