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Make your disclosures clear: (a) don't ask a question when you
really want to express an opinion, a feeling or a need. Examples: A
right-to-lifer asks, "How can you support abortions?" A irate spouse
asks, "How did you spend that much money?" A dedicated party-goer
asks, "Should we take the time to go out this weekend?" (b) Don't give
double messages. Examples: "Of course, I'd like to be with you, but
you wouldn't like the crowd I'm going out with." Or, a parent says to a
teenager, "Well, I guess you can take the car tonight, but what about
those 'C's' on your report card?" (c) Avoid hidden agendas and
dishonesty. Examples: Don't use self-disclosure to impress others or
to get sympathy or to provide excuses for your behavior. Don't act like
you care if you really aren't very interested. Don't pretend to be a
juicy plum when you are really a banana. Don't play games (see
chapters 9 and 10). Deceiving and manipulating others eventually
hurts or drives them away.
Don't assume that others understand what you think, feel
and want, without your saying anything. We must repeatedly say and
show "I love you." We must tell our parents and our children "I
appreciate your help" and thousands of other feelings, views and
needs. Once in one of my groups, a handsome, all-American-looking
student confessed that he had been selling drugs for months and was
busted the day before. His night had been terrible, coping with the
police, his parents, and his own anxiety. The group was stunned by
the disclosure; most members said nothing. The student assumed,
because of their silence, that the group hated him which wasn't true.
At the next session, he confronted the group with his assumptions
about their thoughts and feelings. The group suddenly realized that
they were misunderstood and should have expressed their shock as
well as their own attitudes about selling marijuana, their sympathy
and empathy for him, their need to help him get through the ordeal,
etc. The group did open up and was very helpful to him (and his
problems offered many dilemmas for group discussion).
Remember: no one can read your mind! In fact, without
communication, we frequently misread others and are misunderstood.
Holding in hurts and wants, called "gunny sacking," results in your
feeling worse, nothing changing, and your mishandling the situation
when you eventually explode. It is particularly sad when someone,
who is loved, concludes, "If he/she really loved me, he/she would send
flowers...make future plans...be more affectionate in public (or in
bed)." Being the strong silent type worked well for John Wayne, but
frequent, clear, honest, unthreatening communication is superior to
the silent treatment.
It is important that impressions (assumptions) be checked out
soon (see next method). You need to know the truth; worrying about
how someone might be feeling doesn't help. We often operate on false
assumptions, why not ask?
STEP FOUR: Self-disclose appropriately in well chosen
situations. Encourage mutual disclosure.
