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How do you know what is appropriate disclosure? First of all, you
should have a reason to disclose. See section b above. Secondly,
you should consider (1) how much you have already disclosed, (2)
who you are talking to--your best friend? a new acquaintance? a
parent? a boss? a mutual helping group?--and (3) how much can the
disclosure hurt you? When these three factors are considered, most of
us have a feel for what is appropriate. Persons who are very
inexperienced in self-disclosing are most likely to over-disclose or
under-disclose. As under-disclosers, we bore others; as over-
disclosers, we scare people off. Look carefully for a reaction in others;
hopefully, they will show interest and self-disclose in return.
If your conversation is superficial because that is your habit (not
fear), make an effort to find personal experiences, opinions and
feelings to discuss. Be careful not to talk only about your problems or
weaknesses. If you are prone to accentuate the negative, try modestly
exploring your strengths and blessings with others. Keep the
conversation balanced; both people should disclose about equally.
Women can disclose more to strangers or new acquaintances
than men can and still be liked. For example, a women is, in general,
liked if she reveals that her mother or father recently committed
suicide or that she has certain sexual preferences (not homosexuality
though). A man is not liked if he discloses the same information.
However, neither a women nor a man is liked if he/she discloses being
highly competitive. So, women are liked if they disclose quite a lot. Are
men liked if they disclose anything? Yes, but... Men are liked only if
they disclose a little personal information but not too much. Neither
women nor men are liked if they share nothing about themselves
(Kleinke, 1986).
It would be helpful and interesting to keep a diary of your
experiences disclosing. Note which concerns you get the most help
with and from whom. Note what feelings and needs you don't disclose.
Note which friendships grow the most. Note if certain of your
disclosures turn people off? If so, go slower. Are you uncomfortable
discussing certain things? That isn't all bad, being too smooth makes
you seem less genuine. Even if you feel your self-disclosure is
something awful, don't be surprised if the other person thinks it's
pretty ordinary. Note if it is hard for you to empathize with certain
problems? See method #2. Note if there are people you avoid
interacting with--perhaps people with different views, older people, or
people with special skills? If so, ask yourself if you are threatened?
Reward your friends and your efforts to disclose.
Time involved
It may take a couple of hours to plan what to disclose first, to
whom, what later, and how. An hour a week is needed to think about
your progress, to make more plans and write in the diary. Actually,
self-disclosing means interacting differently, not necessarily more.
