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To avoid being a swallower or an uncontrolled spewer, yet be
able to express your honest feelings. This method can be like
venting (method #10 in chapter 12), if the feelings are fully
expressed.
To respond to the signals that something is wrong and make
changes in a relationship so the love can grow.
Steps
STEP ONE: Learn the steps and rules for fair fighting.
The following steps include the basic "rules" designed to increase
the effectiveness of fair fighting. You must learn the procedures and
have some practice with this skill (see role-playing, method #1) prior
to getting angry. It is human nature to fight unfairly; therefore, we
need to think in advance and rehearse in advance how to fight fairly,
so we won't get nasty when we get angry.
Furthermore, your partner must also understand these procedures
for fair fighting. If your partner is not aware of the rationale and steps
in this method, he/she might interrupt, walk out, or counter-attack
before you get started with fair fighting. It doesn't work for one
partner to be spewing vile hatred while the other partner is trying to
make "I" statements.
Both people must know what is happening and why. Only one
person at a time can use this method, both shouldn't be mad at the
same time. Within a relationship, however, each partner should initiate
the use of this method equally often--anger should not be a monopoly
of one partner. If one person is much more angry than the other for
several months, see chapter 10 for achieving more flexibility of roles in
the marriage--or seek counseling.
STEP TWO: Make sure you want to fight about this issue.
When you get mad, you must decide if this specific incident is
worth fighting about. Ask yourself several questions: What behavior do
I want changed? Is that what I am really mad about? If not, what is
really bugging me? Even if I'm right about what is bothering me, am I
over-reacting? Is the desired change of significance? Or do I just want
to upset and hurt my partner? If you decide that the issue is worth
dealing with, then do it soon and don't "try to forget it," complain to
others, pretend to give in, take the blame, or promise to change when
you don't mean it.
STEP THREE: Arrange a specific time for a "fight for change."
Obviously, this method is a radical departure from the usual fights
that erupt when you are very angry. For fair fighting you have to
control the spontaneous outbursts. You even have to schedule an hour
or so.
