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work--career ambitions, stresses, likes and dislikes, failures and
successes, etc.
money--how much you make, owe, waste, want, etc.
personality--your desirable and undesirable traits, personal
problems, upsetting emotions and moods, sexual activities, etc.
physical concerns--health problems, feeling unattractive or
attractive, feelings about body parts, etc.
What topics do you disclose? To whom? What information do you
hide? From whom? Why? What topics would you talk about, but it just
never comes up? To whom would you like to share new topics?
Perhaps you need to make specific plans for talking about specific
topics with specific people.
All of us have secrets. That is appropriate; many things are best
left unsaid. But we conceal so much unnecessarily--because we think
others might not respect or like us, when in reality they probably
would like us better. Perhaps your first task is to overcome the fear of
self-disclosing.
STEP TWO: Prepare for disclosing. Handle the anxiety.
There are several approaches to take if you want to self-disclose
more but feel uncomfortable doing so. You can use desensitization
(chapter 12) or role-playing (method #1). You can gradually work up
to being more open, starting with telling a friend some facts about
your work or classes or car. Don't express any opinions or feelings at
this stage. When you feel OK doing this, select a trusted friend and tell
him/her what you think and how you feel about a movie, a political
candidate, your boss, your parents, your occupation, etc. Try this with
several people. Lastly, practice "here and now" talk with friends, i.e.
disclose what you are feeling towards and needing right now from the
friend. This is the hardest but most gratifying kind of communication.
Stevens (1973) suggested a delightful little exercise for self-disclosing
with a new friend, old friend, parent or anyone: (take turns going first
to complete each sentence)
1.
If you really knew me
2.
I'm trying to give the impression that
3.
I'm afraid you'll think I'm
4.
If I took a risk with you, I'd
5.
I'm avoiding
6.
I'd like for you to
7.
I want to tell you
8.
If I touched you
9.
I keep you away by
STEP THREE: Gradually develop more skill at disclosing. Learn to
express yourself clearly and to give useful feedback.
There are many guidelines for improving your communication,
your disclosures. It is important to understand that self-disclosure is
