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"musts" or "you gotta." With the anger out of the way and both people
working seriously, hopefully a fair, workable agreement can be
reached. Also, agree on a trial period for trying out the agreement.
The final compromise should be written down, dated and signed by
both people. A few conflicts have no solution; sometimes a couple can
agree to disagree in these instances.
STEP NINE: Put the incident behind you. Forgive each other.
Show appreciation.
Each person should clarify where he/she stands now: "Am I out of
the doghouse yet?" or "Are you satisfied with this agreement?" or "I'm
grateful that you are willing to work through these problems with me."
STEP TEN: Try to understand the "cause" or dynamics of your
anger.
Using chapter 7 on anger, consider how your anger developed. Is
your anger producing some pay offs? Have you had previous
experiences that cause a strong reaction to the partner's behavior? Do
you have irrational ideas that produce the anger? Are there
unconscious motives or hidden frustrations that create anger? Is the
partner really a SOB? If so, why? Every fight is an opportunity to
understand yourself better.
Time involved
It will take an hour or two to familiarize yourself and your partner
with fair fighting. You may need to practice "I" statements in casual
conversations or role-playing so they seem more natural when
"fighting for change." Every conflict will take 15 minutes to an hour or
two, unless you simply have a time-limited "grip session." Even if a
couple fights once a week, it might take 6 months to work out a
fighting style acceptable to both.
Common problems
Swallowers are likely to skip over this method, continuing to avoid
anger. Spewers are likely to continue lashing out, rather than carefully
controlling and scheduling anger, as recommended in this method.
There are many pitfalls whenever one is dealing with a compelling,
explosive emotion like anger. Several cautions (the don'ts) are
scattered throughout this method, each reflects a common problem
with "fair fighting."
Effectiveness, advantages and dangers
George Bach (and Wyden, 1968) developed this method and
reported on treating 122 cases in The Intimate Enemy. With these
