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After you have decided to fight, set a specific time in a private
place. Just say, "I want to vent my feelings about ____ and see if we
can make some changes. How about right after work?" Schedule
enough time, don't say "for a minute or two" when you know it will
take an hour or two. Fight often, if necessary. Deal with problems
early. Don't swallow your anger until you are about to explode. You
need to maintain enough control to follow the rules.
STEP FOUR: Clearly state what behaviors you don't like.
Be objective but brief in your description of the partner's disliked
behavior, don't exaggerate. Examples: "I expected you home at 5:30,
as usual, not 6:30." "I want to discuss this bill for $200 of clothes."
Don't let your angry feelings (next step) interfere with a clear
statement of the problem. Your partner has a right to know exactly
what you are angry about before he/she is exposed to your emotional
tirade.
STEP FIVE: Make "I" statements to express your feelings.
Now, you can get mad. Go straight to the point. Share your
feelings openly and honestly. But, use "I" statements (see method
#4), making it clear that you accept responsibility for your feelings.
Avoid blaming, name-calling, and denouncing the whole person, such
as "You are unbelievably stupid." Stay on the immediate topic, focus
on the here and now, i.e. express your anger towards only the person
you are talking to, don't confuse this with your anger towards other
people or institutions. Also, deal with your current feelings; don't bring
up old hurts and mistakes committed by the person you are talking to.
In an intense fight, we are tempted use every insult and every fault we
can think of to hurt the other person and put him/her on the
defensive. These cruel verbal assaults intensify your anger and they
inflict irreversible damage to the relationship. Don't "go for the
jugular."
Perhaps the most important rule for fair fighting is: "Know your
partner's emotional limits and stay within those limits." For
each of us, certain accusations or negative opinions are tolerable, but
other critical comments are "below the belt," i.e. so painful that we
cry, counter-attack, stop listening, slink away, hate, etc. We must not
"hit below the belt," that is fighting dirty. When expressing anger, we
might ask the partner to signal when we are touching "a raw nerve."
To disregard his/her feelings would be cruel and foolish. The person on
the receiving end must agree to honestly indicate, perhaps by raising
his/her hand, when the comments are starting to seriously upset or
permanently hurt him/her.
The partner being attacked should listen, empathize (see method
#2), and learn to take it. As you get more experienced, you can
recognize your partner's style of venting frustration and anger, e.g.
he/she may get loud, swear, cry, and repeat his/her accusations over
and over. If you can view the emotional outburst as therapeutic or as
