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Common problems
People who are aloof and intellectual, especially males, may
think of feelings as being unimportant nuisances. Such people could
profit most from these new skills, but they must first see the
advantages of being real and open. (And, lacking practice, they must
learn what kind of disclosures are most appropriate, to whom, and
under what circumstances. This isn't easy, but it is worth it.) I think it
is sad that schools believe a teacher shouldn't reveal he/she is having
problems with a son/daughter or is going through a divorce. Likewise,
men are much more likely than women to work 8 hours a day for 20
years with co-workers and never disclose being distraught over an
angry, rebellious son or a retarded daughter. It isn't hard to gradually
open up but one has to overcome the inhibitions mentioned above and
the childhood beliefs that "it isn't nice to talk about yourself" or to tell
personal things to persons outside the family.
Research has shown that moderately intimate disclosures facilitate
a relationship, whereas disclosing too much or too little is harmful.
However, some people assume that practicing self-disclosure gives
them a license to blurt out everything--their sexual needs, their
suicidal thoughts, their criticism of others, their family secrets, etc. It
takes social skill and experience to know what an acceptable moderate
disclosure is and when a friend is ready for our deepest feelings.
Some writers suggest that disclosure, especially in encounter
groups, is emphasized because one person's misery "makes" others
feel good. Gene Stanford (n. d.) described his experience of talking
within a group about his accomplishments, strengths and virtues. He
was not warmly accepted. However, when he decided to give them
what they seemed to want to hear--he made up a serious problem, he
praised the group exercises, he hugged the others--the group warmed
up to him and the leader said he was being "very real," although he
was pretending completely. Many people seem to listen better to
weaknesses than to strengths (most of us would welcome a
combination of both).
Effectiveness, advantages and dangers
As mentioned, research has found that moderate disclosures enrich
friendships and are associated with good mental health (Johnson,
1981; Jourard, 1971). Clearly, the purposes and values facilitated by
self-disclosure are commendable. However, achieving an intimate
relationship involves more than being skillful at disclosing. If a couple
has an abiding commitment to deepening their love, that is more
important than self-disclosure skills. If bitterness develops between
two people, frank disclosure may be harmful (that's one reason why
there are "empty shell" marriages). Every professional has seen
colleagues who teach interpersonal skills but are aloof in their personal
lives, are self-serving, or can't get along with each other. There is a
difference between being open with another person and being open to
