147
for this kind of therapy. Nor has the science been done to determine the
characteristics of the better forgivers or which kinds of offenses are easiest or
hardest to forgive. These questions could be answered if there were enough support
for the needed studies.
Is forgiving a one-person or a two-person task?
Fortunately, some controversy is building among researchers in this area (this is
fortunate because disagreements among scientists increase the amount of research
that is done in the area). Some practitioner/scientists believe the person who has
been hurt doesn’t need to interact with the abuser at all. Robert Enright (2001), one
of the earliest and better known authorities on forgiving, sees forgiveness as a
“loving gift” that is given unconditionally regardless of the perpetrator’s attitude or
reaction. The offender doesn’t need to apologize or express any regrets; the victim
doesn’t need to tell him/her that he/she has forgiven him/her... The person who
inflicted the hurt does not even need to know that anyone is trying to or has forgiven
him or her. Forgiving is done for the forgiver. The forgiver benefits from great relief
of physical stress and from gaining mental comfort. So, the process is highly
rewarding to the forgiver, regardless of whether the relationship survives or not.
The strongest arguments for involving the offender or the abuser, at least in certain
violent circumstances, have been made by Dr. Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela (2003 and
Oct, 2004) who worked for South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission. This
commission wanted to get the perpetrators, including the notorious police death
squads led by Eugene de Kock, and the black victims to understand each other
better. That was a tough assignment because it involved brutality and racial
prejudice.
At first, Dr. Gobodo-Madikizela found that the black citizens were unable to relate to
the police officers. She believed that it was natural for victims of oppression to hold
on to their intense anger in order to distance themselves from the people who had
hurt them and other blacks. They were reluctant to see the officers as
understandable real people until psychologists, like Dr. Gobodo-Madikizela, were able
to get some of the South African police to apologize and show remorse for what they
had done. Commander Eugene de Kock, himself, was one of many police who
confessed to horrible acts and appeared to be truly remorseful. He is now serving a
200+ year sentence in prison.
As the blacks saw the police break down their own emotional walls and express
feelings of sorrow, regrets, and shame, the blacks were able to see the officers as
real human beings, rather than arrogant, evil monsters. Slowly the anger on both
sides broke down. Then as they talked to each other and shared more about the
history of the police perpetrators, their family backgrounds, their police training and
indoctrination, the complex process in which prejudice and violent attitudes develop,
gradually the police looked less evil.
If the abused person can also start to see some of his/her own wrong-doings and
selfish-angry urges, then the perpetrator becomes even more like a fallible human
being--more like the victim. This process over a long period of time can mellow the
victim’s disdain and anger. Slowly the vile, bitter disgust fades into the background.
But, of course, the memories of the fears, threats, and the dead relatives will never
go away.
