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see #25 and #30 above), using these steps (Simon & Simon, 1991; Felder,
1987):
a. Be sure you really want to forgive. If you are still boiling inside and
feel there could never be even a partial justification of what was done,
you aren't ready to forgive. You still have unfinished business with this
person. If and when you want to get these bad feelings off your chest,
want to remove some of the emotional barriers from the relationship,
and want to see the other person's side of the situation, you may be
ready to consider the remaining steps in forgiving. To get to the point
of forgiving someone, try expressing the anger and pain with people
you trust, but follow this with a genuine discussion of how and why
you may be "nurturing and prolonging the pain." Then consider what
you would gain if you let go of the resentment. Ask yourself if you
have ever let down or hurt someone. Are you ready to give up your
revenge against this other person?
b. Make a serious effort to understand the circumstances, thinking,
motives, and hopes of the person who hurt you. Look for background
information--cultural influences, painful childhood experiences, abuse,
addictions, psychological problems, resentment, envy, ambitions, etc.-
-that would explain (not excuse) the resented behavior. Talk to
relatives and friends of the person who offended you, get their
opinions about the offender's situation and motives. Had he/she had
experiences that made his/her actions towards you likely to occur?
c. Use this background information to look at what happened from the
other person's point of view. As best you can tell, what was his/her
psychological condition and educational background? What do you
suppose he/she thought would be the outcome of treating you the way
he/she did? What loss might he/she have been trying to handle or
prevent? What emotions might have been dominating the other
person? How do you think he/she saw you and your situation at the
time? Look at the offender's behavior as a determinist would (see
chapter 14). Example: suppose a spouse has been unfaithful; try to
realize the past experiences that made him/her feel sexually insecure,
realize why sexual conquering or another love was important to
him/her, try to see how he/she was feeling about you at the time and
how your feelings were overlooked, etc.
d. Another factor to consider is whether or not the offender is contrite
or has made any efforts to change his/her behavior or to make up for
harm that he/she has done. It is easier to forgive someone who is
sorry and trying to improve--or will seek professional help (don't try to
become his/her therapist yourself). Could he/she start to grow from
hearing about your pain? Don't expect miracles and remember you are
forgiving them for your well being, not his/hers.
e. Regardless of how the other person feels about his/her actions, the
question is: Are you ready to absorb the pain without spewing hatred
back (which stops the cycle)? Having a model, like Gandhi or Jesus,
