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psychologists advocated having “unconditional positive regard” or acceptance for
every person. Similarly, Martin Buber (1970) prescribes having reverence for others,
as implied in his title, I and Thou. These value systems, like Eastern philosophies,
advocate having a deep respect for every person, considering them priceless,
irreplaceable, vital, and fascinating, unique miracles to be cherished, even if you
don’t like everything they have ever done. Many cultures have believed that God is
present inside every human and should be recognized (sometimes with a reverent
bow). It may not be too far afield to even cite the scientist who sees the events of
the physical and psychological world as the natural, lawful outcome of past events.
As Rogers would say “the facts are friendly.” Another great quote is “whether we
understand it or not, the world is unfolding as it should.”
All of these philosophies or ways of looking at things are arguments against intense
anger arising from things not going as we want them to go. Attitudes, such as these,
are often the beginnings of a truce and forgiveness.
Anger consists of our bitter responses to slights, insults, thoughtless words or deeds,
hurts, injustices, rejection, deception, meanness, cruelty, etc. Following the initial
offense, there is often an assortment of angry reactions which are repeatedly
rehearsed and repeated to ourselves. Hatred is a memory that we are unwilling to let
go of, to dismiss, to forgive, or otherwise put out of our minds (although these
thoughts are frequently hurting and upsetting us much more than the person who
originally hurt us). If we could forgive the person who has offended us, we would no
longer be so angry and upset.
One reason why forgiving someone is especially hard is because the forgiving
process is all mixed up with other emotional reactions. Therapists helping patients
with forgiving have found that it is important to clarify what forgiving consists of and
what processes should not be confused with that activity.
What is and what is not involved in forgiving?
1.
Forgiveness is not forgetting about a hurt nor is it a promise to forget. Most of
us can never completely forget about a hurt. Besides, if you had forgotten the
event, you couldn’t forgive.
2.
Forgiveness is not promising to believe the other person was not guilty or not
responsible for the wrong things he/she did. If he/she were blameless, there
would be nothing to forgive.
3.
Forgiveness is not rewarding or giving praise; usually no reward was earned
and none should be given. If some behavior is praised, it doesn’t mean that
an accompanying behavior wasn’t hurtful.
4.
Forgiveness is not approval or a rationalization of what was done. You are not
conceding that the wrong he/she committed is viewed as any less serious
than it has been heretofore.
5.
Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the offense. It does not mean that
your preferences or society’s rules have changed. It is not based on an
assumption that the hurt will never be repeated on anyone but it implies that
hope.
Forgiveness is your action based on the decision to no longer hate the perpetrator
(or to hate less); it is getting rid of your venom, of your hatred, of your fantasies of
retaliation, of your upsetting thoughts, of your distressing emotions; it is your
attempt to heal the hurt inside by yourself, to give yourself some peace (Smedes,
