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1984). Thus, it is easy to see why researchers have found that one’s self-acceptance
goes up as one learns to forgive others and hate them less. The definitions above
and these distinctions may help you understand what is involved in forgiving
someone (or yourself). And, by understanding forgiveness better, you should be able
to control it better.
There are truly touching stories of people who have forgiven someone who
committed horrible crimes or brutal abuse against them. There are people who have
been unfaithful and, in that way, devastated their spouse, alienated their children
and disrupted the entire family; yet they were forgiven (not usually, but sometimes).
There are many cases where someone lost control and killed a child, a parent, or a
loved one; and yet the family may forgive them. Pope John Paul II forgave the man
who shot him. There are so many atrocities in war—loss of limbs, blindness, brain
damage, post-traumatic stress disorders—and often the veteran forgives his/her
government that sent him/her to war and may even forgive the enemy. Some people
irresponsibly cause horrible things to happen in crimes and in accidents, such as
drunk driving, but some of these people are forgiven.
There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life --
happiness, freedom, and peace of mind -- are always attained by giving them to someone
else.-----Peyton Conway March
I think it is commendable that some victims and the loved ones of victims are able to
handle their hatred of the people who hurt them and eventually are able to calm
their intense emotions so that the horrible events can be remembered without
causing an emotional disruption. They learn to control their fantasies of retaliation
and their nightmarish visions of the awful events to the extent that their emotions do
not dominate their lives. That is a hard battle but when won, it is a great victory. Still
there are many people who carry bitter hatred against the person or organization
that hurt them or their loved one for the rest of their lives. That is a great emotional
burden that usually brings with it depression, stress, other mental disorders and
often various physical ailments (high blood pressure, heart disease, and poor general
health). People who can not forgive often can hardly accept any solution other than
continued punishment for life.
There has been increasing interest in studying forgiveness during the last decade or
two. Fifteen to twenty new self-help and pop psychology books about forgiving have
appeared in bookstores in the last 10 years. Science journals have published over
1,200 articles since 1997, mostly about the health benefits of reducing stress by
psychological techniques, including forgiveness. One can only speculate why there
has been an increased interest in forgiveness. When we have to deal with conflicts or
anger and have to wrestle with moral dilemmas, we are probably prone to think
more about forgiveness. There have been several major world conflicts with other
countries in the last 50 years. For example, there have been very controversial wars,
heavy casualties have been suffered, ethnic conflicts keep reoccurring, suicidal
bombers are hard to understand and disturbing, countries using torture and
