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may help. Can you start to wish the other person well? Would it feel
good to give up the anger and the seeking of revenge?
f. Weigh the benefits vs. the disadvantages of forgiving, e.g. how
much better are you likely to feel if you get rid of part of this anger?
Are there positive aspects of your history with the offending person
that you would like to renew, if you could forgive him/her? It is so sad,
for example, when loving parents are estranged from a son or
daughter for years because he or she married the "wrong" race or
religion. On the other hand, trying to approach and forgive someone is
stressful. If it doesn't work out well, your anger may build and be
more disruptive and prolonged. If your forgiving suggests (to you or
significant others) that you condone totally unforgivable behavior or
that you now feel unworthy of condemning this person, perhaps you
should wait. But, if you can stop carrying a burden of resenting and
blaming, if you can emotionally heal yourself by getting rid of this
poison, it probably is worthwhile. It is not a decision to be made
lightly. But, what a blessing to lay down the load.
This method of forgiving has only been empirically tested a few times, but
it was effective with elderly females (Hebl & Enright, 1993) and with incest
victims (see Robert Enright's study in Psychology Today, 1996, p. 12). Similar
approaches are also described by Casarjian (1992) and Flanigan (1993). The
best and most recent empirical study, thus far, will be discussed below (
Wade
and Worthington (2005).
The idea of forgiveness
American culture, being very religious, is full of pronouncements about the need for
forgiveness. Christians believe God reconciled humanity (at least believers) with him
by giving his son, Jesus, to suffer and die on the cross so that mortal humans can be
forgiven for their sins and go to heaven. Forgiveness is at the heart of Christianity.
So, it follows naturally that Christians rely heavily and in many ways on forgiveness.
When believers fall short of their hoped-for-behavior and are not as good as they
think they should be, they are advised to pray for God’s forgiveness and for the
strength to do better. They may ask others to pray for them too. When someone else
has been unkind to you or wronged you, a Christian is told to forgive the person who
harmed you or to “turn the other cheek.”
Do you have to be religious in order to forgive someone? Not in order to have the
ordinary psychological effects of forgiveness on yourself and on others (I have no
idea of the impact on God). However, research has shown that a very religious
person tends to forgive another person more easily than a person who does not have
strong religious beliefs (Worthington, 2004). We don’t yet know why that is.
Of course, there are many other teachings and belief systems, besides Christianity,
that accentuate the value of acceptance, non-violence, love, tolerance, and
forgiveness of each other. Buddhists and Quakers are especially dedicated to non-
violence and pacifism, as were the followers of Gandhi and Martin Luther King. Also,
the Kung Fu and Yoga philosophies of detachment and acceptance of the inevitable
have some similarity with forgiveness. Also, Carl Rogers and humanistic
