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negotiations than to have prolonged struggles to "win" and put down
the other person.
Common problems
The obvious problem is losing your patience. Once you start
attacking the other person--putting him/her down, attributing evil
motives to him/her, calling him/her names--you are hardly in a
position to ask for cooperative and respectful decision-making. Parents
and supervisors often feel they can demand obedience, "do it because
I'm the boss," but in the long run, this kind of compliance with an
authority is not either a productive or a happy arrangement. The
recommendations in this method are opinions of several experts (see
references) in conflict resolution, not research-proven techniques.
They are the best ideas we have at this time.
Several problems and common misconceptions are mentioned within the steps above.
Effectiveness, advantages and dangers
Thomas Gordon claims that the "no-lose" method of settling
parent-child disputes has many advantages: both are more motivated
to abide by the mutually decided upon solution, better solutions are
created in this cooperative atmosphere, the child learns responsibility
and problem-solving skills, the egalitarian relationship yields more love
and less hate, and each person is trusted and respected as an
individual. Obviously, the situation is not so cordial with a used car
salesperson or a gruff boss.
Any method which reduces the animosity and stress in a conflict
situation is worthwhile. One danger is not taking the time to negotiate
well. Another danger is the outbreak of animosity, regardless of how
well win-win negotiation is attempted.
Additional readings
Bazerman, M. H. (1986). Human judgment in managerial
decision making. New York: Wiley & Sons.
Elfin, S. H. (1980). The gentle art of verbal self-defense.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Elfin, S. H. (1993). Genderspeak: Men, women and the gentle
art of verbal self-defense. New York: Wiley.
Fisher, R. and Ury, W. (1981). Getting to Yes: Negotiating
agreement without giving in. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.
