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nice looking, smooth-talking, confident lover tells her about his
feelings for her, their future, her attractiveness, his needs for love,
etc. She imagines being held tightly and kissed over and over. Her
fantasy may include his slowly and gently touching her breasts and
later her sexual parts, eventually undressing her and having
intercourse, but this isn't the total focus of her fantasy. After "love
making" she imagines being held, comforted, and told that sex has
made the closeness and love between them much greater. She wants
reassurance that she was an exciting sex partner and that the male
wants to do many other things (nonsexual) with her soon.
Early in the love making process, the typical male is worried that
he will do something wrong or that she will stop him. He is progressing
as rapidly as he can towards intercourse so he won't lose his chance;
meanwhile, she is hoping for romantic affection and tries to encourage
this by slowing his progress. If she expects and wants to have
intercourse, she may realize that time and stroking are needed to start
her lubricating. He may have trouble finding her sensitive spot
(clitoris) and she hesitates to show him (if she knows). She isn't very
turned on by his penis; indeed, she may be scared of touching it or
repulsed by it (he thinks it is the most wonderful thing in the world
and wishes she would love it as he does). In the end, neither may
experience much of what they wanted or imagined it would be like. If
they are smart and lucky, both start to realize that this is a complex
situation involving actions, emotions, expectations, communication,
knowledge, and consideration of others, which will take a long time to
truly master.
Good sex involves finding out what the partner wants to happen
before, during, and after love making. Then each partner attempts to
meet as many of the partner's desires as possible. Compromises will
be needed.
There are hundreds of books, some 1000's of years old, about
improving sex. I will cite several good ones below, but in my opinion
the most important secrets are:
1.
Love making should focus on loving each other by verbal
expression and touching. Consider the orgasm as only the
wonderful "climax" of a long love session (if you can afford the
time). Certainly give up the foolish notion that both people
must come to a climax at the same time (25% of men and 14%
of women believe this). A book on sensual massage may give
you ideas (Inkeles, 1992). Note: years later in a relationship,
less attention may be given to the expressions of love because
the goal of both partners may primarily be physical pleasure.
Nothing wrong with that.
2.
Remember the male usually appreciates attention to and
stimulation of his penis. Do this often during love making and in
other situations as well.
3.
After lots of skin contact, most women need to have their
clitoris stimulated in order to become aroused and lubricated,
