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beginning of a relationship, the male doesn't know how to locate a
particular woman's clitoris or how she likes it to be stimulated.
Females often don't know how to hold and stroke a penis. Both sexes
have to learn by being shown or told. Every partner is different and
even the same partner has different preferences from time to time, so
communication is vital. And, open communication about our feelings
and sexual needs is hampered by emotional hang-ups we have to
learn to overcome.
There are also many other learned sexual inhibitions and negative
emotions we need to unlearn, e.g. it may be uncomfortable at first but
eventually 90% of married couples have oral-genital sex often or
occasionally. We may be embarrassed about moving or thrusting and
making noises (expressing our pleasure), but an active, "excited"
partner is the sexiest experience we can possibly have. It may be very
hard to openly communicate about our bodies and what makes us feel
good, but we must if we are going to get maximum pleasure.
Sometimes, it is easier and better to show (guide his/her hands) than
to try to verbally tell him/her what feels good. Your partner can't read
your mind, don't expect it. A section below deals with communication.
We may be acutely aware of our ignorance about sex and it may be
very difficult to say, "I'm ashamed to admit it but I don't know about
....," but it is important to be realistic and honest.
We must realize that both we and our partner bring a long sexual
history into even our first sexual experience. Our histories differ
greatly: one partner may have masturbated almost daily since 12 or
13 and had fantasies of having intercourse with thousands of different
people; the other partner may have stroked him/herself only a few
times ever and had no sexual fantasies. We have all been sexually
aroused in our sleep 5 to 7 times every night since childhood; some
have enjoyed it, others were mystified and disturbed by their sexual
responses during sleep, some denied or tried to ignore it. Your
partners' fantasies of foreplay, of the sex acts involved in intercourse,
of what he/she might feel, and of what should be done after
intercourse may be radically different from your expectations. Each of
us has heard different things about sex from friends, movies, parents,
teachers, books, and so on. Males and females may bring different
instincts into the sexual act. It is important that every lover be aware
of and tolerant of the unique differences his/her partner brings to this
vital moment. However, that doesn't mean that sex can't be improved
over time, providing you receive good instruction.
Most inexperienced males imagine that really good sex consists of
getting the woman partly undressed and then shoving an enormous
penis in and out of her vagina until they both explode simultaneously
with a fantastic orgasm. For men, the fantasy ends there. What
terribly misguided notions we have about good sex.
Few women have the same conception of good sex. Instead, she
imagines going out to a romantic setting, having a wonderful time,
holding hands, talking, laughing, dancing, etc. Later in her fantasy, a
