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k. Solving something by naming the outcome goals --when I
ask students how to deal with a certain problem, such as
procrastination or shyness, they often say, "Stop putting things off" or
"Go out and meet people." They apparently feel they have solved the
problem. Obviously, solving a problem involves specifying all the
necessary steps for getting where you want to go, not just describing
the final destination. Freeman and DeWolf (1989) describe
"ruminators" as regretting their past and wishing they had lived life
differently. Such persons think only of final outcomes, not of the
process of getting to the end point. Langer (1989) says a self-helper
will focus on the steps involved in getting what he/she wants, not
simply on the end result. A student must study before he/she becomes
a rich doctor.
l. Irrational expectations and overestimating or
underestimating the significance of an event should also be
avoided --believing things must or must not be a certain way (see
method #3). Making wants into musts: "I have to get her/him back."
"I shouldn't make mistakes." "Things should be fair." "I should get
what I want." A related process is awfulizing or catastrophizing: "I'll
bet my boy/girlfriend is out with someone else." "I don't know what I'll
do if I don't get into grad school." "If something can go wrong, it will."
"Flying is terribly dangerous." In short, making mountains out of mole
hills. Of course, there is the opposite: "Oh, it (getting an A) was
nothing" or "Employers don't care about your college grades, they
want to know what you can do" or "I'm pregnant but having a baby
isn't going to change my life very much." That's making mole hills out
of mountains.
It is fairly common for certain people in a group to assume that
others are watching or referring to them specifically. Often, such a
person makes too much out of it. Thus, if someone makes a general
but critical comment or walks out of a meeting, such people feel the
individual's action is directed at them. Or, if a party flops, certain
people will believe that it is their fault. This is called personalizing.
Another common assumption is that the other person intended to
make you feel neglected, inferior, unathletic, or whatever. This
thinking that you know what the other person is thinking is called
mind reading.
m. Common unrealistic beliefs are similar to the irrational ideas
in l. above and in method #3 (Flanagan, 1990). Included are the
assumptions that most people are happy and that you should be too.
This idea may come from people putting on their "happy face," so they
look happier than they are. Seeking constant happiness is foolish; with
skill and luck we can avoid constant un happiness. Secondly, we
humans often assume that others agree with us and do or want to do
what we do. Sorry, not true. We are very different. If you sat in one
seat in one room alone for month after month (like I am doing writing
this), many of you would feel tortured. A few of you, like me, would
like it. Some of us love silence; many people experience sensory
deprivation if music isn't playing most of the time. The party animal
