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Questioning: "Are you
always this
flirtatious?" or "Why did
you do
that? I feel like slapping
your
face."
"I really feel insecure about our relationship
when you flirt."
Arguing: "You don't
know what
you are talking about."
"I feel convinced it is this way."
Sarcasm: "Of course,
you are an
expert!"
"I would like you a lot more if you were a bit
more humble."
Approving: "You are
wonderful."
"You are attractive."
"I really am impressed with your _____ and
besides I like you. I am attracted to you."
Disapproval: "You are
terrible."
"I feel crushed when you seem only
interested in spending my money."
Threatening: "You had
better..."
"I'd like it if you'd ..."
Moralizing: "You ought
to ..."
"I think it would be fair for you to..."
Treating: "You need to
rest and..."
"I'd like to be helpful to you."
Supporting: "It will get
better."
"I'm sorry you feel ..."
Analyzing: "You can't
stand to
leave your mother!"
"I'm disappointed that you are so reluctant
to leave..."
Note that many of the "you" statements are intended to exert
power, to control, to intimidate, or to put down the other person. They
are not statements made by non-judgmental, mutually respecting
equals. They are authoritarian statements made by manipulators.
That's why Gordon (1975) recommended "I" statements to parents
when talking to children. Watch out for "you" statements.
Personal responsibility is avoided in other ways too: we use "we,"
"it" or "they" when we are trying to depersonalize our comment and/or
vaguely conceal our feelings or opinions. Sometimes we use "we"
when trying to make it sound like a lot of people agree with us, while
in reality no one has authorized us to speak for them. We should take
responsibility for expressing our own opinions or feelings.
Examples:
