921
Type of Love
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
Casual friendships/non-love
no
no
no
Liking--very good friends
yes
no
no
Infatuation
no
yes
no (only temporary)
Empty "love"
no
no
yes
Romantic love
yes
yes
no (only temporary)
Companionate love
yes
no
yes
Fatuous love/whirlwind courtships
no
yes
yes
Consummate love
yes
yes
yes
Notice that "romantic love" involves talking, sharing, and closeness
(intimacy) and touching, kissing, etc. (passion) but not an agreement
to stay with the other person if the friendship and passion decline
sharply (commitment). Likewise, "companionate love" lacks passion
and fatuous love lacks deep personal enjoyment of each other as
people. There is nothing missing in consummate love, so wouldn't
everyone want to have and get that kind of love? It is most peoples'
ideal, but it is hard to achieve. Fortunately, love doesn't have to be
that intense all the time.
A good-to-acceptable arrangement, according to Sternberg, is
when both partners want, receive, and give the same amounts of the
three ingredients, i.e. they both have the same kind of love in about
the same intensity. However, as the partners' three dimensions of love
differ more and more from each other, especially in terms of total
investment, the quality of the love relationship deteriorates. For
example, within limits, partner A can be primarily interested in sex
(passion) while partner B is more interested in love (intimacy),
providing both A and B are devoted to each other. But there are three
threats to the relationship: if A loses sexual interest or B falls out of
love or if either decides to "look around" for the ingredient they aren't
getting. The less we get of what we want, the more unhappy we
become.
Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being the
right person.
Sternberg says divorces occur not because we make mistakes and
chose the wrong partner but because the partners' needs change over
time. That is, many people who get divorced may have made a very
