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Scales, like "there is only one real love for a person" or "true love
leads to almost perfect happiness" or "a person should marry
whomever he/she loves regardless of social position." Women may be
wiser (as long as their strong emotions have not overwhelmed their
reason) and/or forced by socioeconomic reality to be slightly more
careful and practical about whom they fall in love with, have sex with,
and marry.
The more rewarding relationships are more likely to continue
(unhappy ones may, of course, continue if the partners see no
alternative). Also, giving the partner full credit for his/her contributions
makes for a happier relationship. Unfortunately, about 75% of the
time a partner over-estimates his or her contribution to daily activities,
like cooking, cleaning, planning activities, etc. This indicates he/she is
not giving full credit to his/her partner. It's also possible to disagree
about the value of an activity, such as sweeping the floor or hugging
the partner. Indeed, males and females have a major difference of
opinion here. Males think positive activities, like washing the dishes,
are more important than positive affection, like kissing. Women think
just the opposite. Thus, when one man was told by a therapist to go
home and do something affectionate towards his wife, he washed her
car! His wife considered the car wash helpful but not at all
affectionate. He saw it as a great way to show his love for her. Many
traditional men would sincerely say, "I show her I love her by
supporting her." Both men and women need to be aware of this
difference. Men could say, "Sweetheart, I washed your car to say 'I
love you'." Women could tell themselves "washing the car is how he
shows his love for me." One way or another, both sexes need to be
clearly told "I love you" often.
Of course, there are many differences in how males and females
view love and relationships. For women, intimacy means talking; for
men, a relationship means doing things together ("all she wants to do
is talk"). Women value relationships more than men, especially
relationships with parents. Women value most his income potential
and fidelity and her ties to family and friends; men value most her
sexuality and nurturance and their shared interests. Women complain
more about the relationship and problems; men think "everything's
fine." Women want to resolve disagreements; men want to avoid
them.
How is self-love related to love? Do you have to love yourself first?
A person in love does not see his/her lover as others do. Freud
believed we saw the lover as our ideal, and the more dissatisfied with
ourselves we were, the more we needed a lover to make up for our
weaknesses and the more inclined we were to idealize our lover. In
contrast, Neo-Freudians and Humanists would say "you have to love
yourself first" before you can maturely and truly love others. If you are
insecure and dislike yourself, you will be unable to love, avoid love, or
