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The fragile lover is so scared of life's problems he/she feels
helpless and seeks a partner whom he/she can depend on, who will
protect him/her. Since the fragile one feels unworthy of attention with
minor concerns, he/she develops big problems and "falls apart"
repeatedly for attention. Such helpless dependency creates serious
problems in the relationship (chapters 6 & 8). Like the fragile lover,
the victim suffers much trouble but the purpose is to arouse guilt in
the partner. Each problem is a statement blaming someone, e.g. "I'm
unhappy because you don't care." Few partners will tolerate that for
long.
The pleaser is different--he/she lives to please others and asks for
nothing in return (seemingly). This may originate in a fear of failure or
in needs to be a martyr. Eventually the pleaser may get tired of being
taken for granted and try to change the "rules of the game." The
ragabash is a rebel and wants to be different, different from his/her
parents and ordinary people. He/she doesn't like to lose or win; he/she
frequently runs away from trouble and does poorly at work. In
relationships, which are often plagued with financial problems, he/she
avoids dealing with problems and may seek another partner.
The tough-fragile appears strong, assertive, confident, and
adventuresome on the outside. Inside he/she is self-doubting and
needs an even stronger partner for support (but this capable partner
threatens his/her self-esteem). Such a person is hard to live with; they
act like they need no one; if support is given, it is resented. The
tough-fragile inexplicably shifts from being a warm, delightful
companion to being an angry, demanding, critical, competitive, and
temperamental partner. Therefore, the tough-fragile's lover may "walk
on eggs" and anxiously try to please, but this weak knuckling under
only results in disdain and hostility. There is no way to win with a
tough-fragile unless he/she learns to recognize his/her own internal
fears and controls the anger.
Every man carries in himself the germs of every human quality and sometimes one
manifests itself, sometimes another, and the man becomes unlike himself while still
remaining the same man.
-Tolstoy
From the above descriptions it is obvious that most of these lovers
change as the romance develops. Also, these descriptions are very
"clinical," many of these lovers are surely destined for Goldstine's and
Zucherman's couch. It would be a mistake to assume that all of us as
lovers have such serious problems, but it would be wise to look for
some of these tendencies in each of us. Each lover has his/her
"favorite" emotion--anger, helplessness, blame, etc.--and emotions
