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romantics mystify romantics and scare the hell out of them. In truth,
romantics probably can't avoid occasionally getting hurt, partly
because they forget that they could find another wonderful lover (or be
happy alone or with friends). Romantics can learn to fully enjoy the
gush of thrilling and happy emotions, while accepting reality and the
risk of being dumped sometimes.
Romantics may need to seek other kinds of lovers. They could try a
different approach and seek good, lasting friendships with women/men
that do not trigger their infatuation reflex. As discussed above, good
friends can become good lovers. Unfortunately, it is not possible to
instantly recognize what type of lover another person is, but by
knowing that several types exist (see below) we should become a
better judge of people. We can surely learn to select our lovers more
wisely. See Sills (1987), Coleman (1972) and Cowan and Kinder
(1985).
If I... have not love, I am nothing... I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind, not jealous or boastful or arrogant
or rude or resentful. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
-1 Corinthians 13
Love and infatuation; Love and dependency
According to Tennov (1978), infatuation is unfulfilled desire, i.e.
your infatuation fades away if the person unconditionally and fully
returns your love. This theory says it is the hard-to-get person that
really turns you on. If they spurn you completely, however, you are
crushed. It's a delicate situation. In addition, there are other problems
with being "head-over-heels" in love. First, the infatuated person
exaggerates the loved one's good traits and ignores the bad ones. It
seems as though this is the only person who could satisfy his/her
needs. One is infatuated with a fantasy, not the real person. Second,
infatuation involves many of the same sensations and experiences as
love--preoccupation with the loved one, strong attraction, an aching
heart, butterflies in the stomach, restless sleep, etc. Not surprisingly,
infatuation is likely to be interpreted as "true love" by inexperienced
persons even though they do not know much about the lover and their
needs are not being met. It is important to mentally realize (contrary
to what you feel ) that being infatuated with someone tells you very
little about your compatibility with that person. How can one tell if it is
true love or infatuation? There is no sure method. Tennov suggests it
takes time and honest sharing of feelings in a variety of situations to
know love. Eventually, you discover that besides yearning to touch
