876
might, by then, be reluctant to request the change openly. (See
codependency in chapter 8.)
"Divining" is expecting your loved one to know exactly what you
want; if he/she doesn't know, you conclude that he/she doesn't love
you. "Mind-reading” is believing you know the thoughts and motives of
your partner better than he/she knows him/herself. This leads to
"analysis" which is "let-me-explain-you-to-you ;" this often drives the
other person away since he/she may need some personal space, not a
free, unwanted psychoanalysis.
"Mind-raping" is telling the other person what to think and how
he/she should feel, so that he/she feels confused if his/her thoughts
and feelings differ from your prescriptions. "Mind-ripping” is when you
behave as though the other person has asked you to do something,
like giving advice to him/her, only he/she hasn't made such a request.
"Red-cross-nursing" is creating a need in another person that only
you can fill, thus, making yourself indispensable. Stern (1988) says
neediness and perfectionism force us to try to be indispensable and
take on too much. "Overloading” is giving so many facts or orders that
the other person can't possibly handle the situation comfortably.
"Gunny sacking" is storing up many, many grievances and then
dumping them all of a sudden on the other person. Naturally, these
kinds of things can drive the other person crazy.
What can be done about these crazymaking situations? Bach and
Deutsch recommend these steps: (1) When you feel you are being
driven crazy (stung, confused, manipulated), step back from the
situation and try to see what is happening. Tactful, direct requests for
change will work much better for you than subtle or deceptive
manipulation. Remember the other person is making you crazy, in this
case, because he/she wants the relationship to continue. Ask yourself:
"What changes do they want me to make?" (2) Become aware of the
conditions that underlie crazymaking--the other person's fear of
rejection, feelings of powerlessness, and fear of requesting a change.
(3) Do not react hostilely to the crazymaking, even if it is very
bothersome. The villain is not the other person, it is his/her (or your)
inability to be open about requesting the changes needed. Bring these
desired changes into the open. (4) Respect the other person's rights
and your rights, including the rights to honest information, feelings,
space, and some power. Try to lessen the fear. (5) Don't read minds.
Earnestly ask for clear information, especially how the other person
sees the situation and feels. Share your own views and feelings; make
yourself vulnerable (this reduces the other person's fears). But limit
the discussion to the issue at hand. Find out exactly what changes are
wanted now by both of you. (6) Check out your assumptions about the
other person. This is called "mind reading with permission" (see
checking out our hunches in chapter 13). (7) Try to arrive at a fair
compromise with both of you making some desired changes.
