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Yet, as Myss explains, if a person has had terrible experiences,
suffers deeply troubling, intrusive memories, and is burdened with the
symptoms of some psychiatric disorder, these consequences can
become powerfully effective forces for influencing--even manipulating-
-others. Example: if your history and psychological troubles get the
attention of others and lead to positive relationships with caring
helpers, new friendships, nurturing support groups, then your
"symptoms" are yielding important, valued payoffs. Understandably,
under these conditions, one might unconsciously resist changing one's
situation, including getting better. Getting better often involves
becoming self-reliant, leaving support groups, stopping therapy,
changing friends, and moving on. Big, sometimes scary changes are
required. No wonder we sometimes cling to the familiar, even if it
involves being emotional and having unpleasant memories. This
clinging to what we know is not something to be ashamed of; it is
done unconsciously and it is very understandable.
When we get pre-occupied with our histories of wounds and bad
times...and obsessed with the troubles we are suffering now, our
energy is sapped--we have little time or motivation to learn new
coping skills for changing our thoughts, emotions, behaviors. Just
sharing our troubles and history with someone, especially someone
who listens empathetically is a wonderfully gratifying experience. Many
psychotherapy patients know the discomfort and sense of loss when
they leave a therapist or a treatment group that has seen us through
hard times. Yet, just sharing our history is often not enough to heal
us. Often we have to become mindful of alternative ways of being. We
have to make hard choices. We need to learn new ways to change
ourselves and our situation. We have to see the advantages of
changing, even if we have to give up some behaviors and symptoms
that have "served us well." Our energy needs to be used in different
ways.
Besides possible secondary gain, some bad memories help us
make sense of what has happened to us. Oh, I'm feeling and acting
this way because of these awful things that happened to me.
Understanding why bad things have happened to us is important. If
our explanations "ring true" and aren't challenged by others, then they
serve our need to understand and we tend to keep them and repeat
the how-I-got-upset theme over and over, often in the form of bad,
disturbing memories. Of course, if our explanations are uncomplicated
and tend to place the blame on someone else (or the responsibility on
some external event), then our conscience might especially like them.
Some examples: "I distrust women because I have been badly hurt
and dumped three times." This man's attitude toward women appears
to be entirely blamed on his three former lovers, as though he had
nothing to do with the breakups. Likewise, many of our explanations of
our problems are overly simple and absolve us of responsibility--"I'm
an insecure person because my dad died when I was in the third grade
and mom married a self-centered creep" or "I'm totally messed up
because my brother abused me from the time I was 6 or 7 to when I
was in high school." The causes of our troubles are almost always
more complex than implied by these quotes.
