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saw thousands of roses, much bigger and more beautiful than his one
little bush. At first, he felt foolish for having liked his rose bush so
much. After all, there was nothing special about his bush. Then he
realized he didn't love his rose bush for its bigness or its outstanding
beauty, he loved it because he had personally cared for his bush and
because so much of his time and pleasure had been with only one rose
bush, "his" roses. Like the Little Prince, we hurt when we lose "our"
love. The hurting doesn't necessarily mean we lack confidence or that
we believe we possess the other person; it means we are human, we
long for things we have lost.
4. Coping response: There are two basic choices--desperately
trying to shore up the threatened relationship or trying to protect or
bolster your sagging ego. Men are more likely than women to become
competitive and/or have angry reactions, often including getting drunk
or high. Women more often become weak and depressed; sometimes
they act like they don't care; more often, they cry, plead, and blame
themselves (Brehm, 1985). Bar talk suggests that recently rejected
lovers are sexually on the make and/or sexually "easy." An interesting
study by Shettel-Neuber, Bryson, & Young (1978) suggests that men
and women, when threatened by an unattractive competitor, are about
as likely to go out with "someone else" and be sexually aggressive.
However, when threatened by an attractive competitor, men felt an
even stronger urge to make it with "someone else," while women
didn't want to get involved with any other men at all.
5. The outcome: It is important to know if particular emotional
and coping responses help or harm threatened relationships. Also, do
these responses build or destroy self-esteem? Both self-esteem and
love are important. For instance, a threatened lover, who temporarily
keeps his/her partner (and protects his/her ego) by threatening
violence or suicide or by frantically begging, will probably lose the
lover's respect in the process. What are the best responses?
Before looking at ways to cope with jealousy, let's try to
understand its causes better. Different therapies have different
explanations of jealousy. Examples: Freudians say the overwhelming
dread and pain of rejection originates in childhood when we discover
that we are not Mommy or Daddy's favorite (Daddy or Mommy is). Of
course, this insecurity is unconscious. The Family Systems therapists
point out that both partners contribute to the jealousy-producing
situation. If one partner has an affair, it reflects a troubled
relationship, for which both are responsible. Yet, behavioral therapists
use psychological techniques to reduce one individual's jealousy
response--desensitization, flooding, and satiation (having the
unfaithful partner "report in" every hour). Sociological treatments
emphasize cultural influences. For instance, all societies tell us we
should be jealous but in different circumstances, e.g. certain Eskimo
men consider it a compliment if a visiting male wants sex with his wife
but a visitor wanting to keep the wife would be highly resented. Thus,
jealousy is a learned social reaction, not our innate nature. On the
other hand, the sociobiologists, like Darwin, believe jealousy is innate
