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worry about losing love; they feel inadequate first, then jealous. It is
in this intensive worry and spying stage that we go crazy, see the
discussion of irrational ideas in chapters 6, 7, and 14.
3. Emotional reactions: If we decide there is a threat to our love,
we can have a very wide range of responses: clinging dependency
(more women but many men too), violent rage at the competitor or
the partner (more men), morbid curiosity, self-criticism, and
depression with suicidal thoughts (more women), hurt and resentment
of the partner's lack of devotion and resistance, social embarrassment,
selfish--sometimes realistic--concerns ("I'd better take the money out
of the bank"), urge to "get back at" the partner, fear of losing
companionship, loneliness, regrets at giving up all the future plans,
etc., etc.
Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
-William Congreve, The Mourning Bride , 1697
In spite of Congreve's famous quote, there is some evidence that
men have a more intense jealousy response to losing a loved one than
women do, and they take more time to get over it (Mathes, 1988).
The 1950's advocated "family togetherness." In the late 1960's and
1970's there was an "open marriage" movement (O'Neill & O'Neill,
1973); we were told that jealousy was a sign of inconsiderate
possessiveness and immaturity, that we were selfishly restricting our
partner's love for everyone. Certainly many people tried gallantly to
suppress jealous feelings while being open and modern "swingers," but
many failed. At the same time, there were arguments that jealousy
was a natural, inevitable, and useful reaction (Mace, 1958; Harrison,
1974). Surely, a couple deciding on exclusiveness in their love and
sexual life is not always a master-slave relationship, not necessarily
one-sided possessiveness. Yet, love is scary. We can be hurt; the lover
has power over us; we need to be #1 in his/her life. How does
someone become so important in our emotional life? In the same way
The Little Prince loved his rose bush (Saints-Exupery, 1943). It's a
neat part of the story; I'll summarize:
The Little Prince lived on a tiny planet all his own. He had only one
rose bush. He loved it. It was so beautiful; it gave him so much
pleasure. He remembers tenderly planting the little bush in his richest
soil, building a fence to protect it and a trellis to hold it, trimming it
and watering it every day. With pride he watched his rose bush grow
into a healthy, mature rose bush which faithfully produced beautiful
blossoms year after year. Then he went to another planet, Earth, and
