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(Muehlenhard & Hollabaugh, 1988). What were their reasons for the
token resistance? (1) To look like a nice girl and not "loose." (2) To
convey a fear they have, e.g. "My parents might come home." (3) To
underscore some hesitancy, e.g. "It's against my religion." (4) To
psychologically manipulate the man, e.g. "I'm mad at you" or "I want
you to beg." Here we have another consequence of sexual taboos:
indirect, incomplete, or dishonest communication! Every woman must
know how to say what they want and rehearse in advance
communicating exactly what she really wants... yes to this point, no to
anything beyond that, and no arguments!
Women don't have to decide hours in advance exactly what they
want or how far they want to go (they may not know in advance), but
they should avoid, if at all possible, being deceptive or manipulative.
Pretended interest in sex (when you don't want it) is unfair,
inappropriate, and even dangerous. Pretended or partial resistance to
sex (when you really want to have intercourse) may encourage men to
ignore all women's words. On the other hand, just because some
woman may have said "no" while acting out "yes" is no excuse for men
to press on. Males must keep in mind that only rarely do women say
"no" when they mean "yes," so men must always take the first, faint
"no" to mean strictly, loudly, and definitely "no." If she wants to
change her mind, she'll have to let the male know in no uncertain
terms. A man's job is not to see how far he can get. His job is to
totally respect her wishes--being considerate is truly "making love."
The woman's and the man's responsibility is to guide or tell the
partner clearly what he/she wants to do and doesn't want to do. When
either one wants to stop, that must be respected. That usually means
that the female is fully in control (but it works the same way if the
female is more pushy). Once told "don't do that," the male no longer
needs to approach the breasts or the crotch repeatedly to see if the
answer is still "no." Learning to explicitly relax the limits she has set
will be something new for many women; after saying "no" she has to
take the initiative.
When deciding your sexual life style, remember it is your life; you
have every right to do only what you want to on a date; you must take
the consequences of your actions; don't give in to pressure; make
your preferences clear and insist they be respected. If you want your
first sexual experience to be with a special person in a committed
relationship and in a safe, comfortable and highly romantic situation
(and who wouldn't?), then insist that it be that way... wait until those
conditions exist in your life. If a "date" or "friend" continues to be too
sexually aggressive after you have said "no" firmly, you should insist
that he/she stop or you will leave. If a "friend" becomes physically
aggressive, raise hell: scream, kick, hit, bite and run (Adams, Fay &
Loreen-Martin, 1984). See chapter 7 for a discussion of the difficult
task of handling a rapist and sexual abuse. The advice--don't be
pushed into anything--goes for males too; 16% of college males report
being psychologically pressured by a woman to have sex (Stuckman-
Johnson, 1986).
