43
Another classical substitution of one feeling for another is when a person
cries, a sign usually of sadness, instead of showing anger. My experience in
counseling is that when a woman cries, she is really mad (about 75% of the
time). Check this out.
Anger turned inward on the self is another classical dynamic explaining
depression (chapter 6). Some psychologists have suggested the reverse,
namely, that the pain of depression causes anger. All these connections are
likely.
There are some interesting, often tragic, relationships between sexual
feelings and aggression: bondage, sadism, rape, masochism, and the use of
sexual swear words when angry. Impotence and frigidity commonly reflect
anger. Pornography and prostitution are usually for men's pleasure and profit,
but these activities degrade and abuse women. It has been shown, for
instance, that males are more aggressive towards females than males, after
watching an erotic film. The relationship between erotica and aggression is
complex, however. Mildly sexual pictures, like in Playboy, or in movies that
are seen as pleasing, seem to distract us and reduce our aggression.
Disgusting or crude pornography increases our aggression (Byrne & Kelley,
1981).
Yet, there are some couples who report their best sex is after getting
angry. Bry (1976) suggests that many sexual activities are aggressive--"love
bites," hickeys, scratching, and vigorous intercourse. She recommends,
among other things, that married couples try going to bed to wipe out their
anger; it may work for some people but not everyone.
Lastly, it is commonly believed by therapists that one emotion can hide or
replace another. Examples: Transactional Analysis describes a game called
"Uproar," in which one person starts an argument to avoid intimacy or
dependency or sex. Likewise, a partner, who expects to be rejected, may
fight and dump the other person first. A teenager and his/her opposite sexed
parent may deny the dependency, closeness and/or sexuality between them
by fighting. It may also work in the opposite direction: the child would rather
be fighting with a parent than be neglected. In some relationships,
complaining or arguing becomes a pastime, a way of getting attention from
the partner who otherwise might take you for granted.
The effects of gender roles and cultural differences
Boys have far more temper tantrums than girls, and their tantrums last
longer. Boys and men, in general, recover from an irritating experience more
slowly than females, partly because they have stronger physiological
reactions to frustration than women. It is the action that differentiates males
from females, i.e. men and women apparently feel angry about the same
things and to the same degree (Averill, 1983). However, beginning at age 3
or 4, boys are more aggressive than girls. Boys are also aggressed against
and punished more than girls. For example, women who cut into line receive
less hassle than men. Men kill and are killed four or five times more
frequently than women. Boys, but not girls, are encouraged to be physically
