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It is smart to know how to protect yourself (Rafkin, 1993), but in
situations where violence is threatened or possible, it is better, if possible, to
let someone else handle the aggressor. Examples: If another person
threatens you physically, call friends or the police for help. If you are
mistreated at school or work, there are official ways to effectively complain.
Don't hesitate to report a bullying, threatening person to authorities or to the
police (be sure you can protect yourself after the authorities leave). Please
report all aggressors; they are likely to go on hurting others if the community
doesn't do something. If we let a bully get away with it, we are insuring that
others will be emotionally abused.
If the person is very mad (but not dangerous) and seems determined to
dislike you, avoid him/her as soon as you recognize his/her fixation on hating.
He/she needs to cool off. You might approach him/her later, never alone but
with supportive friends, parents, or school officials. You can not "make"
anyone like you, so don't try it.
It is estimated that 30% of teens have been involved in bullying in some way,
as bullies or targets of bullies. So, it is a serious problem and it has become a
common prevention and/or treatment program in schools. For useful
information and to several programs designed for schools. See Stop Bullying
How to handle a bully: (1) avoid them! (2) Be assertive, "Leave me alone
or I will tell the teacher... police... my parents... the supervisor" (AND DO
IT!). (3) Have a friend accompany you. (4) Build a bunch of friends and
recruit support. Get several people--other victims, school officials, your
parents, the bully's parents, counselors, police, etc.--to come together and
jointly confront the bully demanding that he/she stop forever. (5) Take self-
defense or social skills, such as assertiveness, courses. (6) Role-play over and
over handling the situation. (7) Become active in sports, build your body and
strength--get self-confidence. But, DO NOT FIGHT (violence is a bad idea
even for a good cause, and the bully is almost always stronger and meaner).
There are some good books for children (or to read with children) who are
upset by bullying or teasing (Carter & Noll, 1998; Namka, 1996; Verdick,
1997; Cohen-Posey, 1995). It is very distressing to the young person to be
picked on. They often need help coping with mean peers.
Be aware that victims of violence are often pressured by society and by
their own psychological fears and needs to use poor "survival strategies."
These might involve several reactions: (a) denial of the abuse ("It didn't
happen"), (b) minimization ("It doesn't matter, I'm OK"), and (c) self-blame
("I started it all"). As abuse is repeated, we become more helpless and more
willing to accept the blame. Guard against such thinking. Walker (1990)
describes the situations of battered women who used these poor strategies
but finally kill their abuser (often in kill-or-be-killed situations). Get help to
get out of those situations (see discussion of abuse in this chapter and in
chapter 9). Most communities have emergency phone numbers for child
abuse, sexual abuse, women's crisis center, and, of course, the police. If you
