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clever minds frequently distort reality. Am I sure I am thinking straight and
being realistic or is it possible that the person I am mad at doesn’t really exist? If so,
get over it.
Waterhouse says there are additional questions for you to ask about your anger: 3.
Does everyone see this person/object the same way as I do? If not, is it likely that
this person can be intrinsically bad without most people knowing it? Has my opinion
of this person changed over time (like when I met them or when they were nice to
me)? If yes, isn’t it unlikely that they are intrinsically or totally bad? If this person
probably isn’t totally bad, shouldn’t I start acknowledging their positive traits? Maybe
I should make a firm commitment to avoid excessive fault-finding in the future.
Elaine Stoll, a therapist, offers 10 free tips for expressing anger: 1. Anger tells us
something is wrong…never use violence or abusive language. 2. Give yourself a
“time out” and talk yourself out of hostile thoughts and urges. 3. Don’t blame others
for your feeling mad. You are 100% responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and
actions. 4. Look for what is behind your anger; often it is hurts, fears, feelings of
vulnerability. 5. Think through the consequences to you and to them of losing your
temper. 6. Discuss the “real” problems, not the accusations and not just reasons to
get your way. 7. Make use of the best ideas from everyone to find acceptable
solutions, give credit where credit is due. 8. Maintain your dignity; be respectful. 9.
Be fair. 10. Be magnanimous (above revenge and resentment, generous in
)
Until we get much more research than we have today it is impossible to compare
different methods for quelling anger and aggression—big or small. There are lots of
ideas and conjecture about what therapy or self-change techniques might work but
there is very little hard, confirmed, comparative data permitting us to judge which
methods for quelling anger and aggression would work best with specific people and
in specific circumstances. Many authors have concentrated on specific types of angry
people in specific conditions but most of them have, thus far, concentrated on just
certain treatment methods, instead of comparing several different promising
methods.
Recent publications: There are self-help books that deal with
anger/aggression in different kinds of people: irritable males (Diamond,
2004), males prone to violent outbursts (Donovan, 2001; Harbin, 2000),
women who are triggered more by complex relationship problems than by
the power and control problems of men (Petracek, 2004), counselors and
teachers teaching self-control to teenagers (Stewart, J., 2002), parents
with an out of control child (Murphy & Oberlin, 2002), adult children-parent
conflicts (Atkins, 3004), and healthy vs. unhealthy anger (Dryden, 2003).
As you can tell from looking over this chapter, there has been an enormous
amount of reading material covering many aspects and types of anger
produced over the last 40-50 years. I've already tried to guide you to the best
sources for handling several kinds of aggression especially your own harmful
anger. (Below are more sections about dealing with other people’s
aggression, including rape, stalking, violence, bullying, and dealing with
hostile/aggressive people and oppositional, rebellious children or teenagers.).
But insights may come from different kinds of books. Sharing the experiences
