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c. Have I asked the other person to listen to my point of view? Be
specific and accurate (no self-serving exaggerations) about what was
said and done, explaining why you are upset. You should talk about
your feelings (you are the expert here). But, do not blame, "analyze,"
or "psychologize" about the other person's motives, feelings, or
negative traits (you are not the expert here). Tactfulness and respect
are important, so clearly communicate your needs and preferences but
not your rage and resentment. There are ways of constructively
communicating your unhappiness without going into an accusatory
tirade. For example, an important skill is "I" statements. These "I feel
_____ when ___(not: when you are a SOB)____" statements not only
tactfully ask for changes but they also convey that you are assuming
responsibility for your own feelings, not blaming others for how you
feel. Method #4 in chapter 13 describes "I" statements in detail and
why they work so much better than a stream of hateful insults and
demands.
d. Have I made it clear to the other person exactly what I want done
differently? (Making it clear that you are willing to change too.)
e. Have I asked the other person to tell me exactly what he/she would
like me to do differently? (Without implying you will do whatever
he/she wants.)
f. Have the two of us agreed on a mutually acceptable solution to our
difficulty? Am I sure he/she knows exactly what I have in mind? Do I
know exactly what he/she thinks the plan is? (Better put the
agreement in writing.)
g. Have we planned to check with each other, after a given time, to
make sure our compromise is working out?
h. Have I shown my appreciation for the positive changes the
other person has made?
Level IV: Cognitive processes involved in reducing your
aggression
Like the Greeks philosophers, in 500 or 400 B.C. Buddhist teachers were guiding
followers to be more patient and loving and to exercise control of their anger. We
might benefit from studying the ancients as well as the modern psychologists (see
the four popular books reviewed at the beginning of this section).
Buddhist teachings about controlling anger
In his book “How to Solve Our Human Problems,” Buddhist teacher and author Geshe
Kelsang Gyatso (2005) gives a clear explanation of how to control anger. The author
is a Buddhist Master who introduced Kadampa Buddhism to the West in 1977. I have
been greatly helped writing this section about Buddhist methods by Adam
Waterhouse, an able member of a Kadampa Buddhist Center in Bristol, England. I
