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In groups or some other way, we have to remember the hurts and re-
live the "original pain" that made us feel ashamed. Self-help methods
might help too.
One emotional technique Bradshaw uses is writing a letter to your
parents telling them what hurt so much when you were little and what
you needed that you didn't get. As part of the uncovering and grieving
of our childhood, we come in contact with our "inner child" (the 4 or 6
or 8-year-old inside each of us). Another powerful technique is to go
back (in fantasy) as an adult to your childhood and find and get re-
acquainted with your hurt, scared, needy inner child. Then tell your
inner child you are going to take him/her away from the hurts of the
childhood home, that you will always take care of him/her, never hurt
or leave him/her alone, and always attend to and love him/her. Then,
do these things for your inner child; this is starting the process of
accepting and taking care of your true inner self. Group acceptance
also reduces our shame; recognition and acceptance of our shamed
inner child by ourselves and by others help heal the hurting inner
child.
Within individual or group therapy, many other techniques are
recommended. Examples: we need to own our disowned parts (or
"voices"), i.e. to become aware of and accept all our previously
rejected emotions, wants, and needs. One way to do this is to think of
the 6 or 8 people you most dislike--they often represent your own
disliked parts! You have probably over-identified with the opposite
traits, i.e. if you dislike a pushy, rude person, you are probably prone
to see yourself as being and try hard to be a nice, polite person. As a
child, you may have disowned the pushy, rude jerk part of yourself. So
identify the traits you dislike in these 6-8 people and consider if you
think of yourself as similar or different from them in these ways. Since
you may be using lots of energy keeping the disliked internal voices
quiet, have a silent conversation with each of your 6 to 8 disliked parts
(based on the people you dislike) and get the views and reactions of
each. For instance, see what your pushy, rude part has to say about
your overly nice, quiet, passive, mousy, doormat part. For you as a 4-
year-old, the demanding rude part was probably a problem; try to see
how you handle it now. If you can get in touch with a negative part
and it feels like it might be part of you, accept it back, get in tune with
it, and learn from it. Don't act on the pushy, rude part necessarily, just
realize the brash, self-centered, demanding, tactless part still exists
inside. Make yourself whole again by becoming aware.
Bradshaw also suggests using self-esteem building techniques
(chapter 14), self-acceptance (chapter 14), assertiveness and
communication skills (chapter 13), desensitization and visualization to
reduce shame (chapter 12), cognitive methods to stop irrational ideas
and false conclusions (chapter 14), dream analysis (chapter 15), and
others. I agree that those methods might help.
Bradshaw's dilemma is that he says that more than half the people
in the world have a compulsion or addiction involving eating, drinking,
