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hobbies, To-Do-Lists, doing extra work or getting a second job,
throwing one's self into solving the problems causing the stress, and
so on. Yet, it is good to keep in mind that the neglected "tending
instinct" is a major natural part of our human nature (Taylor, 2002). It
helps us cope with stress and it bolsters our mood, our health, and our
basic goodness.
It would certainly be a mistake to assume that biology is always in
control--that little squirts of hormones will dictate what you do under
stress. Regardless of oxytocin, some women respond to stress
sometimes with aggression and with flight, and regardless of
testosterone, men can respond with tending and befriending responses
to stress. An angry response is sometimes appropriate and needed.
However, an angry response to every stress would be very
maladaptive. Anthropologists, like Social Psychologists, have
documented that interacting with friends is relaxing and improves
one's mood. Sociologists (Waite & Gallagher, 2000) have long
observed that married couples are happier and live longer, maybe
because they have someone to "tend and befriend." You want to learn
and use many ways to reduce stress. Remain flexible in spite of
general "laws" of behavior and specific hormones.
For unknown reasons, social phobias and panic attacks often start
between 15 and 25 years of age. As with anxiety, women are three or
four times more likely than men to have a specific phobia. Phobias
occasionally start in childhood and gradually build (most children out
grow their fears) or suddenly occur during a routine activity, e.g. one
flight attendant panicked on her 500th flight. Obviously, science does
not understand everything about fears--the chapter has reviewed
many theories, however. That's the best we can do.
The treatment of fears and anxiety usually consists of a few of the
23 methods summarized above, especially exposure and frequent
relaxation. Remember, stress may come (according to current
theories) from (a) genes, (b) conditioning--classical, operant, or
observational, (c) cognitive processes--faulty perceptions, irrational
ideas, or faulty conclusions, and (d) childhood experiences, conflicts,
or traumas. The best cure probably depends on the assumed cause,
but we don't understand stress that well yet. In general, the treatment
of choice for a simple phobia is usually exposure in some form to the
situation. However, the correction of anxiety-causing false beliefs also
helps reduce fears and may be all that is needed. For social phobias
and other situations requiring skills, the learning of useful skills is
critical before or soon after reducing the fear response in the situation.
Examples: the young boy or girl who is afraid of a pitched ball needs
to learn how to avoid being hit and how to hit the ball; the shy person
must learn how to start conversations, how to self-disclose, and how
to listen empathically; the test phobic student needs to learn how to
study, how to write, how to spend hours memorizing the material, etc.
The task of the self-helper is not just unlearning the fear, it is learning
a lot of new skills.
